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Jan 2021
2:03pm, 1 Jan 2021
20,294 posts
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Serendippily
I hope it helped  fwiw I think it doesn’t matter how liberal or illiberal you are, whatever you have in place will seem an unfair constraint at some point and be unfavourably compared to others. You can’t judge the success of an intervention by what they say, only by if it seems to help. And you probably won’t know until a long time after what you did right or wrong it’s what makes parenting so stressful. I would care less about what c9 ate and when if she didn’t struggle with breathing and hadn’t dropped into underweight so fast. We tried regular meal times at the table: smaller grazing meals in lounge are working better: sometimes she still feels very sick after. She will cook and we all have to live together so it is easier to be consistent about what rules we enforce and what we don’t. I know it doesn’t help to have no rules she’ll just keep picking until we have to find one, anyway my temper is too short
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Jan 2021
2:16pm, 1 Jan 2021
38,989 posts
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DocM
much love to those with teens who are pushing your buttons. Its tough.
I think mine are pretty helpful most of the time but when they are not its usually a case of they haven't stopped to think. I have a group whatsapp with the children. when im struggling to keep up with stuff i tend to put on there "could someone do such and such" and usually it gets done by someone (there are 4 of them so the odds are good) and its asked in a format that they prefer to communicate in. I also use it tell give them advance warning of when dinner will be ready and whats for dinner to stop the problem of being asked the same question 4 times
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Jan 2021
2:35pm, 1 Jan 2021
44,033 posts
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LindsD
I hear you all.
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Jan 2021
2:47pm, 1 Jan 2021
33,757 posts
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halfpint of mulled cider
kaysdee that all sounds fairly familiar. I felt like we had a regular cycle of me becoming increasingly overwhelmed and frustrated, then losing my shit, things getting marginally better for a while and then the cycle beginning again.
Getting them to do chores pays off. QP seems to be pretty much the most domesticated in his student flat. It doesn’t make him any less of a lazy sh*t at home.
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Jan 2021
3:02pm, 1 Jan 2021
141 posts
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kaysdee
Yes, WhatsApp is great. They (both) really don’t like being told to come for dinner when it’s ready to be put out (I can’t, I’m in the middle of a campaign and will get a team sanction!) so I do try to give them notice. You’re all right in that most teens are inherently self centred. She is a bloody good kid, she really gives me no trouble. When I think of the things my sister used to get up to 😳. I think it was sparked because neither of them got me a birthday card (and OH didn’t think to get one for them when he bought his on the day of my birthday!) and she gave me the jumper I had bought myself for her to give to me... unwrapped 😲🤭. My birthday is always an afterthought at this time of year, but it’s the first year I’ve never had a card from my kids. S17 is the only one who gets a pass and was the only one who sang my happy birthday - he even resisted the monkey version, ha.
I always try to talk to them from a place of love and it isn’t irate or shouting, which I think helps in one way, but in another you do wonder how much they think it is important if I don’t seem upset (but frustrated!) I’ve also told them things go both ways and if they are unhappy with something or really dislike it when *I* do x,y,z, then they can tell me (or what’s app me 😉) and I will either explain why it needs to be a certain way, or alter my approach. I just need them to do the same!
I’ve always acknowledged to them that I’m so sorry that I need to call on them more than I should have to and they have been faced with more than most kids would in a lifetime. The issues with their brother and his disabilities and medical needs, constant hospitalisation (although, this has been his best year ever!) Lack of spontaneity, not being able to go on holiday, every outing an epic military operation in planning. I know kids don’t “need” holidays, etc, but they have had to consequently lead a restricted life. Then, their dad... cancer, dementia... they are so young.
They are pretty exceptional in their resilience and growing up with the things they’ve been exposed to has made them compassionate. When I’ve talked with my best friend and worried about the effects of what everything will be on them, she points out that they are who they are because of it all. I’m so proud of D15. She was out with two friends for a walk (before T4) and they came across an anti mask demo in town, police presence and everything. She showed me a video and this bunch of middle aged people “I’m an ex nurse, you know!” were calling the teens sheep, indoctrinated, etc as they were wearing masks (they do wear them even outdoors as they walk closer together) and she was eloquently and calmly countering all of their arguments. She is such a social champion, one of the reasons she wants to go to an external sixth form, rather than school, as she wants to “make a difference”.
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Jan 2021
3:17pm, 1 Jan 2021
38,993 posts
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DocM
your friend is so right. They sound like great kids, but they are teens and programmed to be annoying at times. Thanks for sharing with us kaysdee. and have a hug (())
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Jan 2021
3:23pm, 1 Jan 2021
51,659 posts
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It’sBeginningToLookALotLikeFleecy
You’re a wonderful mum doing an astonishing job kaysdee, and some day they’ll appreciate that
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Jan 2021
3:56pm, 1 Jan 2021
599 posts
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Cheeky’s Dad
What Doc & Fleecy said + 1. They do indeed sound like great kids & you’re doing an awesome job and staying calm under pressure. On the occasions calm deserts you, I think it can also help to lose your choccy topping once in a while - it reminds them you are a human being with feelings too
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Jan 2021
4:09pm, 1 Jan 2021
7,217 posts
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TeeBee
Pretty much the same in our household Kaysdee, also with a yr11 and battling with lack of revision (mocks sure to stay in the 11th).
Yesterday two things worked really well.
1. I sent him a WhatsApp before I went out running (he was still asleep). I told him where I was going, what sort of time I'd be back and that there was a list of jobs I'd like him to do sometime during the day. When I got home he hadn't started on the jobs but they progressively got done during the day with no more input from me. Maybe he finds the conversation with me triggering in a way that a WhatsApp message isn't.
2. He admitted he wanted help to structure his revision time as he realized he was spending too much time online (he's not revised for 3 days in a row now)
Hope is a turning point, but unlikely it's a magic bullet
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Jan 2021
4:10pm, 1 Jan 2021
7,218 posts
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TeeBee
(mocks due to start on 11th - crap typing skills)
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