Joke of the day........

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colindglen Jul 2021 11:34am, 17 Jul 2021 1,975 posts	0 colindglen
Jason1969 Jul 2021 12:36pm, 17 Jul 2021 12,864 posts	0 Jason1969 My wife got a ladder in her tights yesterday. Best shoplifter ever.
Jock Itch Jul 2021 1:08pm, 18 Jul 2021 13,529 posts	0 Jock Itch Big shout out to Thomas Edison. He's helped me through some pretty dark times.
Seratonin Jul 2021 9:56pm, 18 Jul 2021 34,857 posts	0 Seratonin A marine biologist gave me a wise bit of advice yesterday - "Keep your friends close but keep you anemones closer"
Mountkeen Jul 2021 6:07pm, 19 Jul 2021 469 posts	0 Mountkeen I was in my son’s house and asked him if he had a newspaper handy. He said “Dad you are so old fashioned, here, take my iPad.” That bluebottle never knew what hit him.
Pothunter Jul 2021 9:20pm, 19 Jul 2021 4,413 posts	0 Pothunter I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
Mountkeen Jul 2021 9:23am, 20 Jul 2021 470 posts	0 Mountkeen I see that Ringo’s coming out of retirement I expect there’ll be repercussions …
Pothunter Jul 2021 5:51pm, 21 Jul 2021 4,425 posts	0 Pothunter It turns out that when you’re asked who your favourite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.
Sigh Jul 2021 6:03pm, 22 Jul 2021 9,861 posts	0 Sigh An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that £250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for £50.00.” “That’s correct I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
57.5 Degrees of Pain Jul 2021 11:41am, 23 Jul 2021 7,475 posts	0 57.5 Degrees of Pain I got a call from Swartz today saying I owe them 100 quid. They are threatening to send the bay leafs round...