And another, A Glaswegian woman goes to the dentist and she takes her time settling down in the chair. When she is ready the dentists asks 'Comfy?'. 'Govan' she replies
Having cleaned her husband up one too many times after he has rolled in from an overlong boozing session, a wife has reached her limit.
‘Listen, you disgusting slob’, she cries the following morning, ‘I’ve had enough! I could just about put up with you coming home at all hours stinking of beer, wine and spirits but I am absolutely fed up to the back teeth with having to clean up the filthy vomit from your clothes. No more! I am never going to do it again. If you dare to come home once more after vomiting on yourself I will divorce you!’
Thus chastened, the man behaves himself for some weeks. But after one particularly tough day at the office he cannot help but go out with his regular drinking buddy to drown his sorrows after work. Sure enough, they go at it long and hard and are still knocking the booze back when, after wolfing down a particularly strong curry, the husband’s stomach gives way completely and he finds a large part of his evening’s consumption deposited down the front of his suit jacket.
‘Oh no!’ he laments, remembering in his hazy mind his wife’s ultimatum. ‘My wife will divorce me for this’ he moans and explains the difficulty to his drinking buddy.
‘That’s no problem’, says his friend. ‘Put a £20 note in your top pocket, and tell your wife that someone else was sick on you and that they gave you £20 to cover the dry cleaning.’
‘That’s a brilliant idea’ says the husband, stuffing a £20 note in his top pocket. ‘I’d never have thought of that.’ He thanks his friend for his genius idea and staggers off to find his way home.
When he arrives home some time later his wife has waited up for him. She sees the state of him and begins ‘Right, you disgusting creature! I warned you if you came home after having been sick all down yourself once more I would divorce you. Well, you have; and I will!’
‘Wait a moment darling’ explains the husband. ‘You’ve got it all wrong.’ He concentrates hard to recall his friend’s suggested tactics and says ‘Its not what it looks like! A man was sick down my suit and he gave me £20 to cover the dry cleaning. He put it in my top pocket. Here, see for yourself.’
Sceptically she reaches into his top pocket and pulls out some money. ‘But there’s £40 here’, she says, ‘How do you explain that?’
Ah, says the husband triumphantly, the other £20 was from the bloke who shat in my pants!’
Free training & racing tools for runners, cyclists, swimmers & walkers.
Fetcheveryone lets you analyse your training, find races, plot routes, chat in our forum, get advice, play games - and more!
Nothing is behind a paywall, and it'll stay that way thanks to our awesome community!
Mundane Joke Thread
Nov 2021