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Dec 2020
1:51pm, 13 Dec 2020
5,999 posts
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Nightjar
Well, thought Superman as he plummeted past the 83rd floor of the tallest building in Metropolis, that was a stupid idea. I should never have listened to Lex Luthor. Certainly not after he came up with that hare brained idea that a meteorite from Krypton would be lethal to me. I mean, life is hardly going to develop on a planet that kills anyone that goes for a walk outside. As the ground rushed up towards him, Superman just had time to ponder on whether his higher body density would allow him to survive, and why on Earth he thought he could fly against all the laws of physics when there was no record of any Kryptonian having flown before. Just before hitting the ground his last thought was how would he get a new pair of glasses before someone recognized him?
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Dec 2020
3:00pm, 13 Dec 2020
14,383 posts
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Jigs
The parkrun director continued.
“..So keep following the path, and follow any instructions from the volunteers. After 5k you will cross the finish line, where your time will be recorded. Then staying in your finish order, keep moving and please accept the position token. Make your way to the barcode scanners, who will scan your personal barcode and your finish position. You are then free to reunite with your friends and loved ones and chat about your parkrun experience. You will receive an email of your finish time later today.”
”Okay? On your marks. Get set. Go!”
or
”..So keep following the processing line, and follow any instructions from the guards. After 5k you will be sufficiently warmed up making organ harvesting and meat processing easier. Cross the scales where your body weight will be recorded. Then staying in your finish order, keep moving and please accept the Intergalactic Assured Meat Quality token. Make your way to the barcode scanners, who will scan your personal barcode and assess the quality of your meat. You will then be taken to the processing room where your organs will be removed, your body will be stripped of any edible meat and any usable tissue. The remaining carcass will be disposed of in a humane manner. You won’t receive any email but data recorded today will be stored for later evaluation.”
”Okay? On your marks. Get set. Go!”
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Dec 2020
3:39pm, 13 Dec 2020
43,334 posts
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LindsD
These are brilliant!
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Dec 2020
4:16pm, 13 Dec 2020
562 posts
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Gogsy!
The Prosecutor smoothed the hair on his mutton-chop sideburns before he rose. He gripped either side of the gown across his chest, giving the notion of a thumbs-up to the jury.
‘Mr Charming,’ he said. ‘Despite what you say, I can find no family connection of yours to any Royal Family.’
‘Furthermore, although you suggest that you previously kissed a Miss S. White to bring her out of a coma, is it not true that this is another lie? A lie for which you were sentenced to Community Service and were placed on the Sex Offenders’ Register?’
‘Now, just a few months later, you find yourself back in this courtroom on a similar charge?’
‘Your absurd story about some spinning wheel and a pricked finger are just something from your imagination, is it not? The facts of the matter are that the music star, Princess Aurora, had simply sat down to rest at the foot of a tree. It was at that point you molested her.’
‘I object your honour,’ the Queens Counsellor defending the accused rose to his feet. ‘There is no evidence of any molestation.’
The judge banged his gavel, ‘That’s enough of the hyperbole, Mr Dent!’
‘My apologies, your honour,’ said the chastised man, flashing his familiar crocodile smile. ‘Mr Charming, this is not the 1970s … you can’t go around kissing young women willy nilly. Princess Aurora awoke to find your lips pressed hard on hers. Is that not true?’
The handsome young man in the dock blushed, ‘Yes … but it was for her own good. She would have slept for a very long time otherwise.’
‘So you admit she was sleeping and could not have agreed to nor rebuffed your attentions?’
The accused man shrugged, ‘I suppose not.’
‘Well, I’m afraid that is simply not good enough, Mr Charming, and the prosecution rests its case.’
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Dec 2020
4:18pm, 13 Dec 2020
18,936 posts
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🎄FestiveMedals🎄
The family had to leave their Edwardian house in London and move to a run-down house in that Yorkshire. Sadly, Dr Beeching had recently ordered the closure of the railway line that went through the town. The 3 children spent their time wandering the Yorkshire landscape and getting to know the locals.
They hadn't been there long when the newspaper reported that their dear Papa had been incarcerated in prison after being convicted of being a spy. Mama was so embarrassed that she packed them all up again and they did a moonlight flit to Whitley Bay.
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Dec 2020
4:36pm, 13 Dec 2020
17,002 posts
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Sprinter Wonderland
She smiles, raises her face to meet his (not that far as he isn't very tall) and gently puts her fingers to his lips:
'Hold it right there. I'm not going. If I get on that plane I will regret it for the rest of my life. I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us we both know Victor is noble but boring. And I don't want the responsibility of being part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. I want a life of my own.'
'Ok, kid - but what shall I do about Louis?'
'Fuck Louis - he'll always have Casablanca.'
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Dec 2020
4:38pm, 13 Dec 2020
1,803 posts
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SailorSteve
*applauds*
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Dec 2020
4:43pm, 13 Dec 2020
43,336 posts
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LindsD
Little Harold Potter was orphaned as a very young child and taken in to be raised by his aunt and uncle, a disagreeable pair called Petunia and Vernon Dursley, who had a horrid, cruel son called Dudley, who they adored and spoilt. Harry was forced to live in the cupboard under the stairs and made to do all the household chores. One day, he called Childline, and the next day a social worker came and took him away. He was put into a children’s home, as there were no foster parents available for a pre-teen boy. Sadly, there he fell under the influence of older children and reports are that he came to an unfortunate end.
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Dec 2020
4:49pm, 13 Dec 2020
21,047 posts
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Angus Clydesdale
LOL
[ there’s no truth in the rumour that JKR despised a small Cotswold market town and its inhabitants so much that she immortalised it in her most famous work ]
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Dec 2020
4:55pm, 13 Dec 2020
6,372 posts
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57.5 Days of Xmas
In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters.
Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. .....
etc
..... God made the wild animals of the earth of every kind, and the cattle of every kind, and everything that creeps upon the ground of every kind. And God saw that it was good. .....
etc
..... So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." .....
etc
..... God saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.
Chapter 2
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all their multitude.
And on the seventh day God finished the work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all the work that he had done. .....
etc
..... And on the eighth day God arose and thought to himself, "I may have overdone my gifts for humankind, part of me worries that they might run with that dominion and subdue stuff."
So he blessed humankind with bureaucracy, queuing and social media to keep them distracted and put the mice in charge instead.
Continued on page 42 ...
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NaNoWriMo
Jul 2024
