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Dec 2020
12:41pm, 13 Dec 2020
55,739 posts
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Diogenes
WILTSHIRE, ENGLAND
A man stands in a field watching as a familiar shape begins to appear out of the mist of an autumnal dawn. He is strung out after travelling non-stop for twenty four hours from his home in the American Midwest. He is quite alone. He had expected something else, more traffic on the roads, lights in the sky. He’d believed that he would find the source of the strange music in his head. He shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts. Another stranger appeared. The man hurried towards him.
“Have you seen anything strange here? Have you heard the noises? We’re you compelled to be here by something you couldn’t explain?”
“No, I’m just walking my dog,but there’s some weird shit going down in your home country.”
The dog-Walker pulls out a newspaper and shows the American headlines about UFO and alien sightings.
—————
TWO DAYS EARLIER -WYOMING, USA
Roy Neary sits down to dinner.
“I thought we were having mashed potato?”
“I decided to do fries for a change.”
“These are chunky fries.”
Long after everyone else has finished their meal, Neary plays distractedly with his food, becoming more and more animated as he realises what he has made and where he must go.
If only they’d had mash.
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Dec 2020
12:51pm, 13 Dec 2020
17,001 posts
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Sprinter Wonderland
Certain interested parties, notably Mrs.D. and Mr. F. pursue the matter further and, eventually, the wealthy landowner is brought to trial.
Summing up, the judge says, 'It might only be the 1930s but we are an enlightened country and a woman commiting adultery does not justify her murder. Unfortunately we are not quite enlightened enough to have abolished the death penalty. Take him down.'
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Dec 2020
12:57pm, 13 Dec 2020
13,162 posts
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Badger
[Dio’s on a roll! Took me a minute to figure out that last one]
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Dec 2020
1:15pm, 13 Dec 2020
14,185 posts
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HowFar?
“It’s political correctness gone mad,” he moaned.
“I don’t care,” snapped his wife. “You just can’t say that sort of thing any more.”
“But it’s true,” he grumbled.
“Look,” she explained, “you may have a very sensitive nose, but it is not acceptable to assign a particular smell to whole group of people simply based on the place of their birth.”
“Well, I’m still going to make my bread,” he sulked.
“Now you know I’m bone intolerant, “ she reminded him. “There’s plenty of bone free bread in the cupboard.”
“Oh, I give up!” he growled, stomping out of the kitchen. “ I’m off to see what the goose has for me today.”
His wife sighed, knowing full well that this was not the time to tell him that about that visit from PETA, while he’d been sniffing out Englishmen.
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Dec 2020
1:16pm, 13 Dec 2020
8,538 posts
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BaronessBL
'Nigel are you ever going to take that awful banner off the roof - even Kenton said yesterday it looks tacky and isn't really the sort of image Lower Loxley should be presenting.'
'Funny you should mention that Lizzie darling I found these flyers in the Bull for a builder who is new to the area - I thought I would give him a call and see if he could do it. I know I should go up there myself but it's freezing and those tiles are dreadfully slippery and lets face it we can afford to pay a man to do it - I'd like to help a new enterprise in the village too.'
(a couple of hours later)
'Ah Mr Moss, good of you to come round so quickly I didn't mean you to do it today, I'll get Mrs Titcombe to sort out a small sherry and a mince pie for you when you've got the banner down'
'That's very kind of you Mr Pargetter and it's really no bother I was passing anyway. Good to see the gritters have been out on these little lanes as well as the bypass or I could have ended up in the Am on the way here. Oh and do call me Philip please - I think I saw you out hunting at the Boxing Day meet didn't I - I couldn't help but notice what a fine horse you've got there.'
'Thank you Philip well I'll look forward to talking about the horses with you once you've got the banner down - now do be careful up there but I expect you know all the health and safety stuff being a professional........(calling now as Philip climbs onto the roof) ...it's fixed to the chimney stack of the East Wing....you'll just need to be careful of the.....'
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'
'Crikey that sounded like he was falling off the top of the Eiffel Tower....better check if the old chap's OK'
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Dec 2020
1:22pm, 13 Dec 2020
18,922 posts
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🎄FestiveMedals🎄
Due to his fear of heights and lack of athleticism, The Big Egg, as he was known to his friends, took one look at the high wall and walked on by. Which was good job really, because that happened to be the day that all the king's horses and all the king's men, were halfway up a hill with the Duke, nursing a pair of children who had rolled down the hill and suffered head injuries, having been hit on the head by a metal bucket.
Jack's mum, Liza, wasn't very pleased when she saw the state her bucket was in. Being a bit of a miser, she hammered out the worst of the dints and gave the battered bucket to her boyfriend, Henry, for his birthday. Much as he adored the gift, Henry spent ages moaning about the condition it was in and kept asking Liza for advice on how to fix it. She grew weary of his increasing neediness and to prove that the knife wasn't too blunt to cut the straw, she stabbed him with it.
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Dec 2020
1:25pm, 13 Dec 2020
13,163 posts
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Badger
“There goes another one"
"Hold your fire"
"There's no lifeforms"
"It must've short-circuited. On second thoughts, though, you know who isn’t going to want any evidence left lying around, and frankly you could do with a bit of target practice.”
“I’m better with this than any of your foot soldiers are with their blasters,” he grumbled, and to prove his point, fired a single shot to vapourise the pod, its contents, and the complete works of Lucasfilm.
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Dec 2020
1:27pm, 13 Dec 2020
3 posts
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ThunderFeet
Once upon a time a Gingerbread Man was lovingly baked and left out to cool.
He got up, stretched and realised he'd been decorated in the best set of trail running clothes from partners to the FetchEveryone Festive calendar.
Out of the door he went, down a couple of streets - he passed the running shop, the owner called out 'Run run as fast as you can', he replied 'You can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man'.
The Gingerbread Man jumped over a stile and into the cow field, looking round nervously as he spotted the cows with calves and was that even a bull positioned right next to the exit to the field? One of the Mummy Cows looked up and mooed 'Run run as fast as you can', the Gingerbread Man shouted back 'You can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man!' as he skipped round the cow pats and squeezed under the fence avoiding the bull.
He ran up a hill, in places sliding back down as much as he was moving upwards. He spotted a beautiful buzzard circling ahead, calling 'Run run as fast as you can'. He finally found his grip and shouted back 'You can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man'
The Gingerbread Man moved on through the wood, jumping a mile as a pheasant shot up out of the bushes crowing 'Run run as fast as you can'. The Gingerbread Man caught his breath and replied 'You can't catch me I'm the Gingerbread Man!'
At the end of the wood, the path led to steep downhill at the bottom of which was a rushing stream. As he left the wood, the Gingerbread Man met a fox. The fox asked the Gingerbread Man if he would like a lift across the river? The Gingerbread Man realised this was probably a trick but knew he had limited options ... He was running fast down and down the muddy field with the fox for company, becoming more and more distracted while thinking of his options, the Fox was barking 'Run run as fast you can!' While replying 'You can't catch me ...', the Gingerbread Man lost his footing and faceplanted in the swampy mud ....... And the Fox gobbled him up 🦊😋
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Dec 2020
1:27pm, 13 Dec 2020
13,164 posts
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Badger
[I know it’s too short. I’m just entertained by one nameless character with two lines of dialogue completely wrecking the entire franchise ten minutes into the first film]
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Dec 2020
1:38pm, 13 Dec 2020
4,186 posts
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runningmumof3boys
“You won Charlie “
“The chocolate?”
“Yes yes the chocolate but not just the chocolate , everything the factory it’s all yours “
Charlie was ecstatic , at least his family would no longer have to live on cabbage water (it’s not enough!). He immediately outsourced all of the chocolate making to China. He demolished the factory and got planning permission for 2000 homes (including 200 social housing of course). He put grandma Josephine grandpa joe, grandma Georgina and grandpa george in sheltered housing and the oompa lumpas took early retirement
He lived happily ever after with veruca salt and was happy with peanuts that they got for free from his father in laws peanut factory
The end
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Valentine's predictive text poem
Feb 2025