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Dec 2020
5:05pm, 13 Dec 2020
34,421 posts
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LorraineS
jump on board this piece of hardboard, Jack, we'll escape the ice bergs together
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Dec 2020
5:08pm, 13 Dec 2020
43,337 posts
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LindsD
Nice, 57.5
Lorraine, I've never understood why she didn't share.
Katy Carr lives with her five siblings in a small town in America. She is the eldest of the six children, but is always in trouble for pushing boundaries and breaking rules. Their mother is dead, and their father is very busy in his work as a doctor. They are taken care of by several servants and their Aunt Izzie. One day, one of the servants had made a swing in the woodshed that Katy is desperate to try. Aunt Izzie tells her not to, because one of the staples is cracked, and Aunt Izzie believes in giving children the reasons behind her decisions so that they can understand why certain things have to be as they are. Katy understands, obeys, and the story ends there.
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Dec 2020
5:10pm, 13 Dec 2020
18,429 posts
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Chrisitymas Cracker
High on the Whitby Cliffs, the Revenue man put the telescope to his one good eye, and read the ship's name. Demeter. Probably Russian he said to himself, as he descended the 199 steps down to the harbour.
On the Quay he waited for the Captain to disembark, then took him to his office.
"Where is your crew?"
" I do not know, they disappeared one-by-one. I am the only one left"
"What is your cargo?"
"Nothing, except some wooden boxes filled with soil"
"Do you have a permit from the Animal and Plant Health Agency?"
"Who?"
"Then they will be kept in quarantine and destroyed"
Out of the corner of his eye, the Revenue man saw a large dog about to leap from the ship's deck. He was too quick for the shaggy cur, and as the beast landed on the shore our man grabbed it. Calling for help, with three Stevedores he got the dog under control and securely tied up.
"Any rabies certificates Captain?", he asked.
"I've never seen it before" said the sailor.
"Nor will you see it again" he replied, and turning to his helpers said " Get the surgeon, tell him he has a mongrel to put down."
"Now where is your Covid test certificate?"
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Dec 2020
6:33pm, 13 Dec 2020
6,373 posts
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57.5 Days of Xmas
A group of four small, unassuming characters set off with a valuable item from a small shire in the northwest. They understand little of the importance of their quest, but know the item must remain hidden.
Powerful forces assail them, but help comes from unexpected sources and unlikely allies. A fellowship of nine keep the item moving inexorably on until it is split by the petty jealousy of one member who demands to see the item.
Two of the original group find themselves alone but struggle on, knowing they must take the item to the centre of evil. Help now comes from an unusual character known only by a pseudonym. He once owned the item and is torn between seeking to take it for himself again and serving the one who now bears it.
In the southeast of the land our characters cross into an area where nature has been twisted to serve industry and greed. They must avoid legions of servants of the dark system as they finally struggle to their ultimate destination.
At the London headquarters of a very orange running website our heroes burst through the door, Bilbo Baton held aloft in triumph, crying "The Fetch relay is at and end, strava is vanquished!!"
At which point the concierge points out that strava moved to Bristol some years ago...
The End
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Dec 2020
7:19pm, 13 Dec 2020
55,743 posts
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Diogenes
“Well, Bond, that’s your briefing completed. Now just pop down and see Q as he has some equipment for you.”
Bond makes a pass at Miss Moneypenny before leaving the ante-room. M’s disembodied voice comes over the intercom reminding him that the only toys he’s going to get his hands on are to be found in the basement.
“Ah, there you are at last 007” says Q. “Now, come along, we don’t have time to waste.”
Q leads him over to a workbench, talking over his shoulder as he goes.
“Now, I’ve assembled a few things I think you’ll find useful, although I must warn you that our budget has been cut severely.”
Bond raises an inquisitive eyebrow.
“Here we have a ball point pen, an umbrella, a packet of cigarettes, and a lighter.”
“I’m guessing the pen conceals a hypodermic syringe enabling me to administer an tranquilizing or fatal dose to an assailant, the umbrella is a rocket launcher, the cigarette packet a GPS tracking device, and the lighter a miniaturised flame thrower?”
“No 007, the pen is for making notes with, the umbrella is to keep you dry if it rains, the cigarettes are to smoke, and the lighter is to light the cigarettes. Didn’t you hear what I said about cuts?”
“I did, but I had no idea things were this bad. What about a vehicle? Do I still get a cat? Don’t tell me I’m on a pushbike?”
“Of course not, don’t be flippant. It’s through here.” Q pulls back a curtain concealing a vehicle bay. Behind the curtain awaits a Honda Jazz in Ice Blue.
“That’s not an Aston Martin.”
“Well observed, Bond.”
“It’s not even a Jaguar or a BMW.”
“No, it’s a Honda Jazz, 2010 model.”
“Presumably it’s heavily modified, a proper ‘Q’ car, if you’ll excuse the pun?”
“No, it’s absolutely factory standard apart from an after-market beaded seat cover. They’re very good for bad backs, got one myself.”
“A ten year old Hatchback?” Bond shook his head disbelievingly.
“Yes, one very careful lady owner, a Miss Purkiss of Eastbourne. Always kept garages, FSH and no sign of rust.”
“You’re killing me Q. At least tell me you’ve got me a weapon of some sort. My Walther PPK was confiscated during my last mission.”
“Of course, thanks for reminding me.” Q lifted a small attaché case onto the bench and pushed it towards Bond who opened it eagerly. When he saw what was inside, however, his face fell.
“What is this?”
“A stock of mace spray and rape alarms.”
“How are these supposed to help me?”
“They’re not for your benefit, you’re to give them to any female you come into contact with in the course of your duties. HR won’t tolerate any further complaints. Now, of you go or you’ll be late for your Gamblers Anonymous meeting.”
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Dec 2020
7:33pm, 13 Dec 2020
585 posts
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Funky Chicken
Reader, I married him...
... and it possibly turned out to be the worst mistake of my life. He was always out of the house, for hours at a time, I never knew where he was. Was he seeing another woman? Would he have me committed to an asylum to get me out of the picture?
But no, it was worse than that. I resolved to follow him one day. He was always creeping out of bed early, often before the crack of dawn, but this time I had remained awake all night and I followed, just in time to observe this one final secret he had kept from me.
Reader, I had married a runner. And he's still out there somewhere now!
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Dec 2020
7:36pm, 13 Dec 2020
43,349 posts
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LindsD
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Dec 2020
8:45pm, 13 Dec 2020
21,053 posts
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Angus Clydesdale
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Dec 2020
9:50pm, 13 Dec 2020
189 posts
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George Smiley
" If you think I'm going to the guillotine for that aristocratic fop, you've got another think coming"
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Dec 2020
10:32pm, 13 Dec 2020
First-time poster!!
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gardengirl
As the three bears set off for their morning run Goldilocks snuck into the house. Keen to set her trap she tasted the porridge from each bowl, slammed her foot down on baby bears chair, causing it to splinter, and then left muddy footprints all the way up the stairs.
Quickly Goldilocks shoved pillows under the covers of the bed to look as though the porridge thief was taking a nap and then hid behind the door. Sure enough, on discovering the mess in their house the three bears followed the footprints. As they came through the bedroom door ‘Slam’ down came Goldilock’’s axe, not once, not twice, but three times, with swift accurate blows.
“Good”, she muttered, wiping a spot of blood from her shoe, “That should keep the rest of the family fed through the winter.”
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