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Dec 2021
7:56am, 7 Dec 2021
50,699 posts
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McGoo-Hat
"No Luke, I am your father," said Boris Johnson.
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Dec 2021
8:01am, 7 Dec 2021
3,076 posts
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BarefootElf
Alice was snoozing in the sunshine, when she spotted a white rabbit wearing a blue waistcoat. Her sister was asleep, so boring! so she thought she'd follow him. He disappeared round the corner of a hedge and while she searched she hadn't noticed the huge hole in the ground. In she fell, bumping herself on the way down.
When she reached the bottom, some time later, she found it didn't hurt as much as she would have expected, bonus. She picked herself up, dusted off her dress and began exploring. She came across a long corridor full of doors, with one tiny one. The door was locked, but next to it was a table with a key, she unlocked it and peered through... It was beautiful, but there was no way of getting through any more than her arm!
She got up and looked around. On the table with the key there was now a bottle, the label simply read 'Drink Me'. So she did! It tasted horrible, like those drinks her sister drinks when their parents aren't home... But by the time she'd finished it she became aware she had shrunk to the size of the door!
Through she went, into the most wonderful garden. There was sweet tasting fruit, baskets of cakes and more of this horrible tasting liquid in all kinds of colours... The more she drank the better it tasted!
It was then she spotted her sister, in the distance, she ran towards her, but found herself falling again.
When she landed this time, she found her head hurt much more, there were people shouting, her sister was there, and crying! What's going on, thought Alice?
Turns out, she'd never left the sunny spot next to her sister, but instead had drink the bottle her sister had brought along to the point of complete intoxication, her parents had found them and were not happy! Alice hurt all over and tried to explain it was because of her adventure, her parents called it a hangover, well, she knew better!
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Dec 2021
8:11am, 7 Dec 2021
4 posts
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Sej6788
And Cindyrelly found what looked like her glass slipper on the stairs leading up to the food court. As she got closer she noticed the slipper wasnt glass, but recycled materials (got to be eco friendly). As the clock struck 9pm (who stays awake until midnight) Cindy popped the slipper on herself (shes a strong independant woman) and continued into the food court for a last minute kebab to eat in bed. The server offered her extra chilli sauce and some free chips as they were closing.... she went home, enjoyed her scran and got an early night
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Dec 2021
8:36am, 7 Dec 2021
65,073 posts
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Diogenes
"That was one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. When did you write that?"
"I didn't write it. Paul McCartney wrote it, The Beatles."
"Who?"
"The Beatles."
"The what?"
"John, Paul, George and Ringo, The Beatles."
"Oh yeah, I remember now. Never really got into them."
"Phew, for a moment I thought you were saying you'd never heard of them like they'd never existed. Imagine the fake career I could've had passing off the Beatles songs as my own if that was true?"
"I very much doubt it."
"No? I guess that would've been and empty, hollow existence. Anyway, I'm was always more of a Stones man."
"John Stones?"
"No, The Stones. The Rolling Stones. Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Brian Jones, Charlie Watts, you know?
"No."
"Paint It Black, Satisfaction, Sympathy For The Devil?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Hold my beer..."
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Dec 2021
8:44am, 7 Dec 2021
13,601 posts
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Jock Itch
Douglas met Jilly at the local Waitrose. They were both minted, thats why they shop in Waitrose. She was in the cucumber isle and looking lovingly at a cucumber grown by Datsa Big Juan in Seville, Spain.
Trevor the Asda warehouseman used to put the cucumbers out every morning at 5am until he was unceremoniously sacked when the CCTV was played back and it was discovered that he had been getting a little bit too familiar with the gloriously shaped fruit.
Douglas said "thats a nice one, go for that", Jilly said "yes I think I might".
That was the deal clincher and that had a free coffee with Douglas's Waitrose points. Love blossomed.
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Dec 2021
9:07am, 7 Dec 2021
40,461 posts
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Merry Christmas and Happy NewG(rrr)
[Oh, very good Dio - if not Yesterday, what would that movie be called? Stoned?!  G]
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Dec 2021
9:11am, 7 Dec 2021
19,517 posts
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Icy Shirt
The captain led the children and Maria slowly up the mountain, the sunshine glinting on the distant village. The wind catches their faces, bringing a tear to their eyes, matched by those in the audience at the cinema.
In the background we heard the choir sing, "Climb every mountain". Building up to a crescendo, we wish that the children do follow their dreams.
The helicopter pans away, revealing the Alpine mountain top and the Swiss border.
Just over the crest of the hill Herr Zeller cocks his gun, and as the family comes into sight, fires.
"So long, Liesl".
"Farewell, Friedrich".
"Auf Wiedersehen, Gretl".
"Adieu, Maria".
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Dec 2021
9:14am, 7 Dec 2021
10,732 posts
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Sigh-lent Night
Chapter 11: In which a Gollum arrives, and Tigger finds a Big Hole
It was a nice crisp autumn morning, and after breakfast Pooh and Piglet were going to see Eeyore.
Just ahead in the forest, they could see a scrawny little - what? What was it? It was rummaging around in the undergrowth, and muttering a lot.
“Hello, I’m Pooh” said Pooh, “and I’m Piglet!” said Piglet. “Who are you?”
The creature turned and snarled at them. “What have you done with it? You’ve taken it from me, my precious!!”
“Well, we’ll help you look for it, whatever it is” said Pooh, helpfully. And off they went on a Big Treasure Hunt.
Many hours went by, they had found nothing, and Pooh was getting hungry. The creature was still following them, snarling. It wasn’t very friendly.
Suddenly, they hear a cry from up ahead in the forest. “That’s Tigger!” said Pooh. They rush ahead to find him.
Tigger was sitting on a tree stump, looking sad. Ahead of him, the forest had been cleared, and in its’ place was a big muddy hole.
“What’s happened?” said Pooh, alarmed.
“I don’t know,” said Tigger. “But they’ve left this sign”. He pointed to a big sign just ahead.
“I think that’s the name of whoever did this, but it’s a funny name. It says HSZ,” said Tigger.
“That’s not a Zed, that’s a Two, or a Too” said Pooh. They all looked very sad.
“Oh dear,” said Piglet. “Maybe they took your Precious as well.”
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Dec 2021
9:54am, 7 Dec 2021
45 posts
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roflaherty
Marty: "You bult a time machine... out of a DeLorean?!2
Doc: "No through hard work and physics - of course I built it using a DeLorean. When this thing hits 88 miles per hour – you’re going to see some serious ****!"
Marty: "Really? Why does the speedometer only go to 85 then?"
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Dec 2021
9:54am, 7 Dec 2021
46 posts
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roflaherty
*built
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