for an ad-free Fetcheveryone experience!

Joke of the day........

506 watchers

colindglen Jul 2021 11:34am, 17 Jul 2021 1,975 posts	Quote Pin colindglen
Jason1969 Jul 2021 12:36pm, 17 Jul 2021 12,864 posts	Quote Pin Jason1969 My wife got a ladder in her tights yesterday. Best shoplifter ever.
Jock Itch Jul 2021 1:08pm, 18 Jul 2021 13,529 posts	Quote Pin Jock Itch Big shout out to Thomas Edison. He's helped me through some pretty dark times.
Seratonin Jul 2021 9:56pm, 18 Jul 2021 34,857 posts	Quote Pin Seratonin A marine biologist gave me a wise bit of advice yesterday - "Keep your friends close but keep you anemones closer"
Mountkeen Jul 2021 6:07pm, 19 Jul 2021 469 posts	Quote Pin Mountkeen I was in my son’s house and asked him if he had a newspaper handy. He said “Dad you are so old fashioned, here, take my iPad.” That bluebottle never knew what hit him.
Pothunter Jul 2021 9:20pm, 19 Jul 2021 4,413 posts	Quote Pin Pothunter I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
Mountkeen Jul 2021 9:23am, 20 Jul 2021 470 posts	Quote Pin Mountkeen I see that Ringo’s coming out of retirement I expect there’ll be repercussions …
Pothunter Jul 2021 5:51pm, 21 Jul 2021 4,425 posts	Quote Pin Pothunter It turns out that when you’re asked who your favourite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.
Sigh Jul 2021 6:03pm, 22 Jul 2021 9,861 posts	Quote Pin Sigh An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that £250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for £50.00.” “That’s correct I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
57.5 Degrees of Pain Jul 2021 11:41am, 23 Jul 2021 7,475 posts	Quote Pin 57.5 Degrees of Pain I got a call from Swartz today saying I owe them 100 quid. They are threatening to send the bay leafs round...