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Joke of the day........

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AndyS Feb 2022 12:30pm, 13 Feb 2022 939 posts	0 AndyS I've just heard about a new variant of Covid that makes people sweat Marmite. Scientists are hopeful they'll be able to control the spread.
swittle Feb 2022 12:32pm, 13 Feb 2022 83,737 posts	0 swittle AndyS
Sigh Feb 2022 12:41pm, 13 Feb 2022 11,524 posts	0 Sigh The dog ran off last night. I walked around the local park calling his name for 20 minutes but to no avail. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. It hasn't made any difference, I still can't find the dog.
3M (aka MarkyMarkMark) Feb 2022 12:54pm, 13 Feb 2022 17,423 posts	0 3M (aka MarkyMarkMark) [AndyS, I thought it was funny, but MrsMMM has just tested Positive, so I won't tell her this one!]
3M (aka MarkyMarkMark) Feb 2022 3:00pm, 13 Feb 2022 17,424 posts	0 3M (aka MarkyMarkMark) Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, with the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to the other side, miraculously unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the name of the guy who pushed me into that pool!"
JRitchie Feb 2022 4:29pm, 13 Feb 2022 2,901 posts	0 JRitchie A pub landlord announced to his patrons a reward of one hundred thousand pounds to any man who could complete two tasks. The first was to extract the rotten tooth from the landlord’s pet Rottweiler which had been causing the Rottweiler much pain and anger. The second was to sexually satisfy the landlords mother, who was 90 and hadn’t been with a man for 50 years. One man came forward to volunteer himself to the challenge. He left the pub to face the Rottweiler. After an hour the man returned exhausted. His clothes torn to shreds, bleeding from cuts and bruised from head to toe. “Right” he said “so now where’s your mother with the dodgy tooth”.
Pothunter Feb 2022 8:36am, 14 Feb 2022 5,363 posts	0 Pothunter Did my first nude painting this morning. The neighbours weren't happy, but the front door looks brilliant...
Mountkeen Feb 2022 9:34am, 14 Feb 2022 491 posts	0 Mountkeen A salesman at the local BMW showroom has suddenly left the company without giving any indication that he was going …
mr d Feb 2022 12:21pm, 14 Feb 2022 5,723 posts	0 mr d With inflation at 7.5%, you lose half your money in 9 years. The only way to outperform that consistently, that I have found, is crypto. Just this year I’ve already lost half my money.
Happy Feb 2022 3:24pm, 14 Feb 2022 19 posts	0 Happy My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of matches. His wee face lit up when he tried to walk….