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Sep 2019
11:31pm, 23 Sep 2019
16,064 posts
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Stander
The police called because apparently my dog chases anyone on a bike.
I told them they were mistaken.
My dog doesn’t ride a bike.
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Sep 2019
9:07am, 24 Sep 2019
15,131 posts
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Gooner
What do you say to a Mexican bodybuilder that's run out of protein?
No whey Jose?
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Sep 2019
9:10am, 24 Sep 2019
First-time poster!!
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Number1manc
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties
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Sep 2019
5:58pm, 24 Sep 2019
7,918 posts
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Binks
If your having a bad day, just think somewhere out there there is a Bury fan who booked a holiday with Thomas Cook to help them get over their club being liquidated.
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Sep 2019
7:16pm, 24 Sep 2019
15,266 posts
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Bazoaxe
Thats below the belt Binks
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Sep 2019
7:18pm, 24 Sep 2019
34,429 posts
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Derby Tup
It’s not massively funny either (imho)
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Sep 2019
7:51pm, 24 Sep 2019
7,919 posts
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Binks
In all honesty, the more I read it the less I like it! Drew a sharp inhale rather than a laugh.
But though some casual nihilism might go down well.. Maybe not.
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Sep 2019
8:22pm, 24 Sep 2019
1,578 posts
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Pothunter
Two woman up in heaven are chatting and one asks the other how she died.
“I froze to death” she says.
“Wow, what was that like? Was it bad?” said the first one.
“To start with it was really cold, but after a little while I didn’t feel anything. How did you die?”
“Well, for ages I’d suspected my husband of having an affair so I went home early one day to catch him, but all I found was him watching TV and drinking a glass of wine. I searched the house high and low but hadn’t found anything when I collapsed with exhaustion and had a heart attack.”
“Damn!” said the second woman. “If you’d looked in the freezer we’d both still be alive!”
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Sep 2019
8:27pm, 24 Sep 2019
34,432 posts
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Derby Tup
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Sep 2019
9:02pm, 24 Sep 2019
7,920 posts
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Binks
Corbyn is on stage and the entire conference floor is pointing at him and chanting ‘Johnson out!'
I mean I know they love the guy but that’s a bit much....
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