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Jun 2017
3:13pm, 13 Jun 2017
1,876 posts
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Fragile Do Not Bend
She really is too disabled to be cared for at home now, needs 2 people and a hoist to be moved bed to chair, for example. SIL tried to look after her at home for too long with too few people and not enough equipment and it's affected her health.
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Jun 2017
3:25pm, 13 Jun 2017
15,340 posts
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Wriggling Snake
I was not going to write anything on fetch at all, but I am going to.
My mum died at the beginning of April, all very sudden, couldn't get down to London quick enough, and got the message en route. I have the feeling she deteriorated quite quickly for a few days beforehand and dad wasn't letting on.
I was very surprised a how everyone reacted, to the point I had to pull myself together and get most things sorted out or it just wouldn't have happened, thanks to OH too. I really didn't think I would get as upset as I did, perhaps the suddenness of it. Mum had a few conditions, hypertension, thyroid, low iron, diabetes, so I suppose we should have been a bit more proactive. Mum was 81, and they had been married 60 years.
Anyhow, luckily I could spend a month with my dad, he was almost impossible to talk too straight after, but gradually got better. The turning point was mum's funeral, it felt like a point he had to get through, and meeting up with the family, ours is quite large, not many of his generation left, but loads of us and younger. Also a lot of friends, neighbours and ex-work colleagues got in touch. Which was very good for him.
He's 85, gets about, while I was there I got him into some good routines, feeds himself well, looks good. The house will get too much for him to look after soon, so we will have to start thinking and talking about that. Where he wants to go, which of us he wants to be nearest too. Financially fine, which I was concerned about, so they did well there.
He's just spent a week away from home with one of my aunts, first time he has got out of the house for any length of time and he seemed to enjoy it.
We have set times we call now, although today he was a little sad, started to clear away mums's stuff, which he didn't want me to do.
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Jun 2017
3:31pm, 13 Jun 2017
2,467 posts
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TeeBee
Watching this thread but don't have energy to go into my family's issues right now. They're no worse than many described here, but not feeling like sharing atm. Hugs to you all.
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Jun 2017
3:37pm, 13 Jun 2017
18,724 posts
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LazyDaisy
I am sorry for your loss WS.
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Jun 2017
3:41pm, 13 Jun 2017
22,662 posts
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HellsBells
sympathies to everyone
We're a few years out the other side and I'd just echo what Sharkie said - keep talking to your siblings and stay on good terms with them. FIL died in 1996 at 87, he'd had a big stroke and was in a long stay ward when we still had them. Dad died August 2010 after a long period of reduced functioning at 85. Mum had 18 months of rebuilding her life before being diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer and dying 9 months later - also at 85. Whilst all this was going on MIL had a series of strokes and ended up at home, bed bound, tube fed and doubly incontinent. Apparently this was insufficient to qualify for continuing care and social services thought she was fine to be left at home with pop in visits twice a day. We paid for a live in carer and she died 4 months after my mum aged 93.
It was a hellish 2 years when 3 parents were terminally ill and dying. It does pass, nothing lasts forever and when it's all over you hopefully still have your siblings and partners. Look after each other, but don't put your lives completely on hold as the time will come when you want to take them up again
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Jun 2017
3:49pm, 13 Jun 2017
1,877 posts
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Fragile Do Not Bend
I'm amazed that anyone thinks a twice a day visit is sufficient for someone who was in your MIL's circumstances, HB, that's appalling.
Sympathies to everyone on here.
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Jun 2017
4:16pm, 13 Jun 2017
11,980 posts
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Carpathius
When I worked in the stroke ward I was continually horrified by the people turned down for care funding, judged to be 'social care' instead of 'medical care' despite the usually severe disability caused by a medical event.
Horrified, and furious.
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Jun 2017
4:17pm, 13 Jun 2017
11,981 posts
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Carpathius
WS, I'm so sorry.
TeeBee, have a hug xxx
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Jun 2017
5:06pm, 13 Jun 2017
8,962 posts
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Rosehip
So sorry WS ((()))
and more ((())) for HB for her wise words 
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Jun 2017
5:21pm, 13 Jun 2017
26,768 posts
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HappyG(rrr)
Fetch really is an amazing place. A subject that is so infrequently discussed, but so valuable to share. Sympathies to those who are looking after older relatives and many thanks to those who have been through it for sharing. Really helps. Thank you. G
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The Sandwich Generation - Aged Ps and children to care for?
Jun 2023
