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Jun 2017
5:57pm, 13 Jun 2017
677 posts
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TomahawkMike
Wow. its widespread. Whilst I lost my parents in their 70s, my ma-in-law (around the corner) got diagnosed this year with Dementia with Alzheimers at 89. Quite a rapid deterioration in the last month (wifey is around the corner now for the second time today). We are there daily suddenly as neither can cope (father in law is an impatient self centred 85 year old, just as he was at 45, 55, 65 and 75. Only now when he is needed he hasnt changed so if we arent there she is being shouted at poor thing). The fixations she has on certain things that then go on to upset her are extremely frustrating. A mare. Trying to stop her and him from calling the doctor everday about non-existent toilet problems is difficult. Aaagh!
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Jun 2017
6:30pm, 13 Jun 2017
81 posts
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Brig
Mum 77 now has dementia. Just moved her to be closer to myself and 2 brothers.
Here's an idea.... Fetcheveryone care home with a running track around the outside so we can visit and run! Eventually we will all be checking in ourselves!!!!! 😂
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Jun 2017
7:04pm, 13 Jun 2017
2,865 posts
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Lemon10
There's a lot of us on here aren't there. On the elderly / frail relatives list I could include my parents, Mr Lemon's Dad and my Aunt and Uncle, all live nearby. Luckily Mr Lemon's brother and wife are nearby too, my sister is 2 hours drive away and planning to possibly move abroad, but she worries a lot about them.
The most ill of them is currently my Uncle and we went to visit him in hospital last night, he gets on really well with Mr Lemon. While we waited to go in we got chatting to a chap there visiting his Dad, who he said he thinks has given up on life. It was a sad story but we were able to have a laugh and chat with the guy, and our struggle to put on our disposable aprons and gloves to enter our respective relatives room had us in hysterics. A 15 minute chat with Uncle was enough, he has hardly enough energy to speak and words come out as a whisper. Anyway, good to share concerns, hugs to all.
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Jun 2017
7:13pm, 13 Jun 2017
18,729 posts
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LazyDaisy
Has anyone here decided that moving the aged P in to live with them is the answer? My mum asked me outright if she could come and live with us. We have room, for sure, but I said no straightaway as I'm just not prepared to give up my life to be her companion /carer. I did feel guilty though and she seemed surprised when I turned her down. I don't know why she was surprised, she didn't have her 90 year old father to live with her when he needed extra care.
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Jun 2017
7:39pm, 13 Jun 2017
840 posts
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idle_wilder
My dad is 78 - he's just made my sister and I his powers of attorney. He's not in the greatest of health, but likes to be out pottering. Brother lives with him, but is pretty useless and up in his room when he's not working. I live in a city about 40 miles away - luckily, sister lives next door to him. Biggest issue is money at the mo - problems with the bank, and still have the old house to sell (he is in debt after knocking down old farm steading and building new house). Worries me now I'm not there as much (out there once a fortnight). Sister and I share shopping/house work.
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Jun 2017
7:43pm, 13 Jun 2017
1,883 posts
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Fragile Do Not Bend
I really don't think I could do it. My home is my sanctuary from the outside world and I'm not keen on people coming to visit for a day, let alone staying long term.
Obviously I'm happy to share my home with my husband and my cat! 😀
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Jun 2017
7:49pm, 13 Jun 2017
1,884 posts
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Fragile Do Not Bend
My SIL and her husband really found the whole looking after parent thing really stressful. It wasn't just MIL in thier house, it was all the carers coming in and out, and eventually staying over to provide night cover too. You just don't get a chance to chill out and relax.
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Jun 2017
8:24pm, 13 Jun 2017
36,345 posts
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Velociraptor
My parents took my widowed grandmother in to live with us after she had a stroke at 70 (she was from a family that didn't make old bones) and it was quite hard on everyone, particularly my mother. She was with us for five years, her brain progressively failing from vascular dementia, until she had to be admitted to hospital for the last few weeks of her life because she couldn't be looked after at home any longer and we were lurching from crisis to crisis.
I would never ask or expect anyone to take in an elderly relative, though at any point in time I'm working with families who have done so or offspring who have moved into their parents' house to look after them, and it's not very long since I found myself tearing into a social worker for insisting that a patient did not need urgent assessment because "she has daughters".
I'm fortunate; my parents are still independent and active in their late 70s, though that could change at any time. My FiL lives alone and is a million catastrophes waiting to happen, but he will not move from his house.
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Jun 2017
8:31pm, 13 Jun 2017
2,179 posts
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Serendippily
Lazy Daisy I can't speak to my mum at the moment because some of the things she has said have upset me so much I am just brewing for a fight rather than seeing them as a reflection of fear and isolation, which of course they partly are.
I think of LindsD post on the TYWTSBC thread about not getting angry and of TeeBee saying you have to have your own self cared for to be able to care for others.
Both of these rang true: You have to stand up for yourself and your life all you can and then give as much as you can from there and from a position of love and perspective. Guilt is an absolutely fucking terrible reason to do anything and you will get no thanks for it and I rather think martyring yourself is bad for your soul. Just mho though good luck! 
my mum is 82, just had hip op, wants to live on her own, doesn't want to move nearer, and would rather her children helped than she get care, even if I pay for it. It's going to be a blast.
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Jun 2017
8:48pm, 13 Jun 2017
31,681 posts
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.B.
LD I told my Mum years ago that I would never have her to live with me (she's perfectly fine and healthy so it's not a current issue). I feel quite strongly that children should not have to (obviously some people want to and that's their choice). When FiL got to the point MiL could not cope we had to sort respite care and then full-time care (with the help of a SW). It was sad and awful and made us feel terrible at the time, but it was the right decision for everyone concerned.
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