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Jun 2017
7:54am, 14 Jun 2017
11,617 posts
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Sharkie
It is tough, Linds, but doing the tough things - funeral arrangements, talking to parents about what they want - makes everything more bearable in the end.
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Jun 2017
8:02am, 14 Jun 2017
11,618 posts
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Sharkie
It is strange, of course, that some Fetchies' parents are younger than one or two of us Fetchies posting here. There is a huge range of health and capability (mental and physical) at different ages.
My dad died at 47 without making a will. Luckily no problems followed for my mum but she made a will herself then (she was nine years older than my dad) and always encouraged me and our kid to do the same. She also made her funeral wishes clear.
Raffo's Mum - a very healthy 85 year old has done the same. Please talk to your folks NOW about these difficult things before it gets too late and even more difficult. And make wills yourselves if you haven't - it's neither difficult nor expensive and you can change them whenever you want to.
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Jun 2017
8:05am, 14 Jun 2017
11,619 posts
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Sharkie
Lasting power of attorney is another thing to think about - especially if a parent shows early signs of dementia.
Sorry if all this sounds hard hearted!
Have some kisses and kittens. Or puppies if you prefer. xxx
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Jun 2017
8:12am, 14 Jun 2017
6,628 posts
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BaronessBL
Wise words above Sharkie
Sympathies to WS too.
I'm in a similar place to TeeBee - I don't feel particularly comfortable talking about my family on a public forum but I am watching this thread with interest.
One thing I will say though, is when I was in my late teens both my grandparents on my father's side were terminally ill at the same time and at various stages in their last few weeks (months??) were cared for in our family home. My mother said to me at that time that if the situation ever arose I should never allow an elderly parent/relative to move in with me but to persuade them (her) to move to a care home. I know what's right for one family isn't necessarily right for another though and of course it does depend on what finances will allow.
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Jun 2017
8:14am, 14 Jun 2017
1,888 posts
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Fragile Do Not Bend
Good advice Sharkey. I already had plans to talk about the power of attorney thing with my parents and my brother because my husband has already been through all this with his old folk.
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Jun 2017
8:41am, 14 Jun 2017
18,736 posts
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LazyDaisy
I'm afraid I'm just not brave enough to talk to my mother about her final wishes at the moment. When I filled in the forms to convert her from a respite stayer to a permanent resident at the care home there was one about DNR wishes, which funeral director etc etc. As we have uprooted her from her lifelong home area we're pretty sure she'll want her funeral to be back in Wales (we do at least know where she wants her ashes scattered) but just at the moment it is too difficult a conversation to have.I'd actually prefer the care home to talk to her about it as there'd be less emotion involved.
She has at least made a will, years ago, and I have that in safe keeping.
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Jun 2017
9:03am, 14 Jun 2017
4,929 posts
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Mandymoo
We have set a LPA in place with my dad 73 (blood) and his wife 65, they requested it (dads wife had a stroke about 7 years ago and is ok but it frightened them). We talk very openly about everything and what has been put in place.
My mother (adopted) wants to sort out her funeral but my sister and brother are not keen to do it. She has plenty of finances in place at the moment, I have also mentioned the LPA to them but they don't seem interested. Makes things so much easier. At least she has made a will.
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Jun 2017
9:06am, 14 Jun 2017
17,613 posts
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LindsD
My Dad has no will but has promised to sort it out and, I hope, LPA, next week.
We have wills but I need to change mine.
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Jun 2017
9:18am, 14 Jun 2017
15,347 posts
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Wriggling Snake
The wills were a big thing a few years back, mum and dad would not countenance the idea, but I kept banging on about them, and in the end they got one sorted. I think they realised once they owned a house, and managed to save a few quid it was a necessary thing.
The opposite is going to be the problem now, to get my dad to realise that his house (it is a small semi, west London, (10 minutes walk from a tube station) will be worth a few quid, but that money is for him to look after himself in anyway he wants or for that matter needs. I think I have nagged enough lately and I am letting him think about where he wants to live and do with himself.
One of the better things that happened was my mum and dad had helped various elderly neighbours going back quite a while, and people remembered that, so he has all sorts of people helping him out, and keeping an eye on him. Both my brothers have visited, which is good, but I think they may need step that up a little, anyway at the moment all's well.
The ashes was a big deal for dad, something he still hasn't got his head around and probably won't, so that was left to me.
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Jun 2017
9:21am, 14 Jun 2017
11,620 posts
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Sharkie
That's really good Mandy.
I think these conversations are sometimes more difficult for us, the children, than the parent/s. I was convinced my mum would live for ever, that she would develop Alzheimers never ever crossed my mind, she just wasn't the type - mentally and physically very active into her 80s. 'Oh mum you're not going to die for AGES!' I'd say and try and steer away from talk of funerals and wills and stuff like that.
But for the parent these can be positive, active things to talk about -something they have control over (if sorted early enough).
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The Sandwich Generation - Aged Ps and children to care for?
Jun 2023