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Jun 2017
12:15pm, 14 Jun 2017
13,135 posts
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Columba
That sounds like a very sensible aunt, Daisy.
What Sharkie said - about some of us being older than some of the people being talked about. Also what Sharkie said about its sometimes being the children, rather than the "old people", being unprepared for death. My children (well, two of them) have said just what Sharkie did: Oh Mum, you're not going to die for ages! However, I made a will years ago, have updated it several times as family circumstances change, have pre-paid my funeral and stated what I want (none of my children actually knows this, except the eldest, who is my executor and official next of kin when I need to name a next of kin).
My Mum also pre-paid her funeral - about 20 years before she actually died - and signed a provisional PoA which wasn't put into force until she went into the care home.
About the ashes, - I scattered my Mum's in an area locally which she used to love, but have since discovered that legally you're not supposed to do this. Since I'd already done it, I didn't go into any detail about what I should have done, still less why. A lot of people's ashes where interred in named plots in the grounds of the crematorium.
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Jun 2017
3:05pm, 14 Jun 2017
17,616 posts
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LindsD
Yes, my sister's in-laws moved into a retirement village-type place when they were in their 60s, and, although her MiL is now in a care home as she has complex needs, FiL is still very happy and independent in the flat in his 80s.
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Jun 2017
9:05pm, 14 Jun 2017
1,617 posts
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jdarun
Honestly, I can't say the idea of downsizing and/or going into care per se bothers me much. Losing my marbles and waiting to die, that's not something to look forward to, but living somewhere safe and getting looked after if and when I need help is surely a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my current house, but it was too much for the couple we bought it off, and it will be too much for me in (hopefully a long) time. As my parents are also starting to struggle in their large (now largely empty) family house...maybe it's different if you have lived in one place for decades but since leaving home I've always been fairly mobile. Having no children makes it fairly inevitable, I won't be able to guilt-trip anyone into taking me in!
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Jun 2017
9:12pm, 14 Jun 2017
13,139 posts
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Columba
By no means everyone loses their marbles, jdarun.
Checked up on the ashes. Seems to be ok to scatter them on your own land, or in the sea, but if wanting to scatter on land which isn't your own you are supposed to get the permission of the landowner.
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Jun 2017
9:18pm, 14 Jun 2017
11,435 posts
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Bazoaxe
jda
I feel the same, but what I see from my MiL is not wanting to accept that things are not as they were and doing her best to avoid anyone helping.
For example when we visit she wants to get a chair for me from the dining room. Two visits ago I was quite forceful and said no and got my own chair. When we next visited and arrived she told me not to bother going for a chair, she had moved it already. And this is someone who has real trouble walking and repeatedly falls.
We try to do things like go shopping or take rubbish out but if we do, she will just do these things before we are going round so they dont need done.
What I see is that when the time comes, its very hard to accept you need to slow down
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Jun 2017
9:24pm, 14 Jun 2017
845 posts
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idle_wilder
My dad can be quite bad for that Bazoaxe - he always hoovers by himself, even though it might leave him severely breathless (although he also has one of those fancy hoover systems which the tube plugs straight into the wall, and all the debris is sucked in to a big container in the garage). Sister has put her foot down about him changing the bed on his own though, after he let slip it takes him an hour, when it takes us 5 mins. Brother is entirely useless, and he lives in dad's house.
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Jun 2017
9:28pm, 14 Jun 2017
5,989 posts
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bigleggy
Checking in here :-
Dad - 85. Diagnosed 2 and a half years ago with Pulminary Fibrosis. Prognosis in a healthy person according to the NHS website is 3 years. Dad had health problems galore before this.
He's not coping and lives alone in a 5 bedroom house we grew up in. Talks about nursing homes but backs off when I try to get serious about it
Still thinks the Doctors could cure him 'if they'd just pull their fingers out and help me'
I'd have him here but don't have the room. Plus he'd have to live downstairs and use a komode. And his dignity isn't there yet.
Mind is OK but looks tortured most of the time.........
Great support thread tho - I'll read through it properly when I get the time.
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Jun 2017
5:34pm, 15 Jun 2017
13,146 posts
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Columba
My Mum had a variation on the "I can do it myself" theme. She was living with me (as to why, that's another story, but it predated her physical incapacity by a good many years), and I was able to do quite a lot as she became more and more disabled, but I was still working and not always there at getting up or going-to-bed times, so we had carers arranged (at first, a single carer, twice a day). If for some reason there was no carer coming in the evening, she asked me to help her get ready for bed. But if there was a carer expected, she would go off and get herself ready, so there was nothing for the carer to do on arrival. It was a way of saying "I don't need the carer" - But if there was no carer, oh yes, she did need me, apparently.
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Jun 2017
5:40pm, 15 Jun 2017
17,638 posts
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LindsD
Hm. That's what I found frustrating on our recent holiday Columba. The total dependence when I know she cd have done most things by herself.
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Jun 2017
8:15pm, 15 Jun 2017
13,147 posts
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Columba
In my Mum's case I think it was a throwback to her own childhood. I know she felt (rightly or wrongly) that she didn't have any "proper" mothering from her own mother but had to take on a lot of responsibilities from an early age. So maybe she felt she would get the overdue mothering from her own daughter.
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The Sandwich Generation - Aged Ps and children to care for?
Jun 2023