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Apr 2018
4:44pm, 4 Apr 2018
19,738 posts
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Maclennane
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery
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Apr 2018
6:58pm, 4 Apr 2018
22,723 posts
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Seratonin
(Groans at above joke) 
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Apr 2018
6:36pm, 5 Apr 2018
12,420 posts
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Jock Itch
I hate snakes and worms because they have no feet...
You could say I’m lacktoes intolerant!
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Apr 2018
12:42pm, 6 Apr 2018
12,422 posts
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Jock Itch
I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.
And through it all, he offered me protection...
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Apr 2018
7:59am, 9 Apr 2018
15,662 posts
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Stander
Duct Tape
It can't fix the stupid, but it can muffle the sound
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Apr 2018
7:01am, 10 Apr 2018
12,428 posts
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Jock Itch
Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online...
Heinz's site is a wonderful thing!
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Apr 2018
11:15am, 10 Apr 2018
1,522 posts
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Sigh
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Apr 2018
2:51pm, 10 Apr 2018
962 posts
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Brunski
A man sees a sign outside a house.
'Talking Dog For Sale'
Intrigued, he rings the bell and the owner appears telling him that the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man is greeted by a very nice looking labrador, wagging it's tail at him.
'Do you really talk?', he asks the dog.
'I certainly do', the dog replies.
After recovering from the shock, the man asks, 'So, tell me your story..'
The labrador looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was just a pup. I wanted to help out my country, so I decided to join MI6'
'After my training, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms, eavesdropping on politicians, spies and world leaders..'
'Who would ever suspect a dog?', he said.
'I was one of their most valuable assets for over 8 years but the hectic schedules were starting to take their toll on me plus I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided it was time to retire, settle down with my other half and have a few pups. I uncovered some incredible espionage over those years and was awarded many medals and accolades'
The man is truly gobsmacked. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog?
'A tenner', he says
'What...£10!?'
'But this dog is absolutely amazing! A decorated hero, no less. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?'
'Because we're fed up with the lying git', he said.
'He's never been out of the garden..'
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Apr 2018
4:08pm, 11 Apr 2018
8,667 posts
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The Terminator
Whats a hospice?
About 2 gallons
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Apr 2018
5:24pm, 11 Apr 2018
2,305 posts
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Dillthedog57
Talking dog is quality 😃
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