Joke of the day........

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57.5 Days of Pain 14 Feb 6:08pm, 14 Feb 2024 17,083 posts	0 57.5 Days of Pain I hope all you guys have organized St Valentine’s night. I have booked my wife’s favorite restaurant and then a show. Which by my calculation gives me at least four hours to eat pizza, drink beer and watch the football.
Bazoaxe 14 Feb 7:50pm, 14 Feb 2024 26,355 posts	0 Bazoaxe I took my wife to the zoo for a Valentine’s Day treat. The annoying thing is they only had one dog. It was a Shitzoo
Nicholls595 15 Feb 1:21pm, 15 Feb 2024 31,552 posts	0 Nicholls595 I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's day. She said, "Oh maybe some chocs?" She didn't seem that impressed when I gave her them, but at least now the car doesn't roll down the drive when she leaves the handbrake off.
XB 15 Feb 1:46pm, 15 Feb 2024 17,371 posts	0 XB My mum told me I'd amount to nothing because I'm a procrastinator. I said "just you wait and see".
XB 15 Feb 1:50pm, 15 Feb 2024 17,372 posts	0 XB I hired a bloke to come and do some work around the house. Of the ten items on the list he'd only done numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, & 9. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Muttley 16 Feb 1:37pm, 16 Feb 2024 2,966 posts	0 Muttley A Möbius strip walks into a bar, orders a drink, and bursts into tears. "What's the problem?" asks the bartender. The Möbius strip replies, "Oh, where do I even begin ...?"
Jock Itch 16 Feb 4:48pm, 16 Feb 2024 14,012 posts	0 Jock Itch Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee. But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone.
NordRunner 17 Feb 8:01am, 17 Feb 2024 4,107 posts	0 NordRunner But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone. Typical male. 🎶I can see ob. testicles in the way🎶 of that decision.
JCB 17 Feb 9:35am, 17 Feb 2024 5,525 posts	0 JCB Ten presidents walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we have a no presidents policy." George Washington steps forward and says, "But I can't tell a lie! I need a drink!" The bartender shrugs and says, "Alright, fine. One for Washington." Next, Abraham Lincoln approaches. "Four score and seven years ago, I promised myself a drink. Can I have one too?" The bartender sighs and pours another drink. Theodore Roosevelt, looking restless, exclaims, "Speak softly and carry a big drink! I'll have one!" The bartender, getting annoyed, reluctantly serves Roosevelt. Franklin D. Roosevelt rolls up in his wheelchair and says, "I can't stand these long lines. Can I get a drink delivered to my table?" The bartender, fed up, yells, "Alright, alright! But that's it! No more presidents!" Suddenly, Harry Truman walks in and says, "The buck stops here. I want a drink!" The bartender throws his hands up in exasperation and shouts, "You know what? I give up! This place is cursed! I'm closing down!" Dwight D. Eisenhower, ever calm, takes a sip of his drink and says, "Now hold on just a minute. Maybe we can work something out..." John F. Kennedy, ever the charmer, winks at the bartender and says, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what drink you can do for me." Richard Nixon, paranoid as ever, leans over to Ronald Reagan and whispers, "They're watching us, Ronnie. They're always watching..." Finally, George H.W. Bush, looking lost, asks, "Where are we? And who are all these people?" Courtesy of Bard
Sigh 17 Feb 12:37pm, 17 Feb 2024 25,498 posts	0 Sigh "Waiter, my fish is rather dry." "Yes sir, we had to take it out of the water."