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May 2020
3:36pm, 15 May 2020
1,871 posts
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peachy
I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend;
“I'm stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “
He said “Marooned”
I replied “Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then !”
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May 2020
4:17pm, 15 May 2020
29,357 posts
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Seratonin
An ambitious young policeman was given a large village to patrol. He was told by the Superintendent that he would stand no chance of promotion unless he could "nick" every single resident of the village. Within two years he had managed to catch everyone for something except for one person....... the local vicar. He spent the next year frustratingly try to pin something on the vicar. He watched him covertly and spent an inordinate amount of time stalking his quarry, to no avail. He was just so squeaky clean and the perfect law-abiding citizen. The hapless bobby assumed that he would never be able to nab this nemesis and that his chance of promotion was just not to be.
Then one day he saw the vicar riding his push-bike along the main road through the village. The bobby flagged him down just for a random chat.
"Nice day for a bike ride vicar" said the bobby.
"Ah yes! It is indeed a lovely day to observe nature and glory in the weather that our Good Lord has blessed us with" was the reply.
"Tell me vicar, why is it that you are always so happy and content?" enquired the bobby.
"Ah, my son, that is the secret of having a faith. I am indeed blessed as my Good Lord is always with me" was the Vicar's answer.
The bobby seeing a golden opportunity promptly nicked him for riding two-up on a bicycle.
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May 2020
6:46am, 16 May 2020
5,767 posts
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daz1927
I bumped into my mate Dave, he's only got one arm bless him. I said "where you off to Dave?"
He said " I'm off to change a lightbulb"
I said "fuck me, that'll be a bit awkward"
He said "not reallly, I've still got the receipt you horrible bastard!"
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May 2020
6:53am, 16 May 2020
5,768 posts
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daz1927
I was in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said: “That lizard’s really funny.” The tribesman replied: “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand up chameleon.”
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May 2020
7:20am, 16 May 2020
5,769 posts
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daz1927
I’ve started selling Lions on the black market.
The money’s good, I’m doing a roaring trade.
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May 2020
8:31am, 16 May 2020
14,036 posts
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richmac
[I liked 5767 even though bayonet fittings are largely obsolete]
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May 2020
8:37am, 16 May 2020
48,697 posts
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Diogenes
(Are they? All the fittings in my house are bayonet style. Also, you can change a lightbulb with one hand quite easily... best not to analyse too closely)
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May 2020
8:49am, 16 May 2020
8,013 posts
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Binks
I had no idea 8 weeks of uncut hair would weigh a stone.
Well the bathroom scales don't lie!
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May 2020
9:13am, 16 May 2020
11,461 posts
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Markymarkmark
[2 out of 3 Daz homes I actually laughed at. And even the lightbulb one has potential!]
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May 2020
9:36am, 16 May 2020
14,037 posts
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richmac
[in my house they are mainly gone obvs, and it depends on the the size, dexterity and length of cord]
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Mundane Joke Thread
Nov 2021