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May 2020
7:15pm, 16 May 2020
5,770 posts
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daz1927
I was at ASDA earlier. I spotted a serial burglar i'd recognised on Crimewatch. I crept up, lizard like, tapped him on the shoulder. He spun round, i smiled, and socked him one. He went down like a sack of spuds.
Busy's were called, and arrested ME?
Turns out: BBC use actors.
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May 2020
7:44pm, 16 May 2020
5,771 posts
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daz1927
The wife and I are adhering to social distancing, keeping two metres apart.
We've never been so close.
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May 2020
7:49pm, 16 May 2020
5,772 posts
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daz1927
Since we've been told to avoid beauty spots this weekend, I'll be taking my exercise exclusively in Luton.
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May 2020
9:00pm, 16 May 2020
5,773 posts
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daz1927
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
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May 2020
8:41pm, 17 May 2020
5,774 posts
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daz1927
Ah, 8.30 p.m. Sunday night and I'm on furlough.
You know what that means...
Breakfast.
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May 2020
8:59pm, 17 May 2020
419 posts
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buttscratcher
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Grandad
Oh shit stop the funeral
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May 2020
9:38am, 18 May 2020
11,066 posts
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larkim
While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, Donald Trump suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $100,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes.
They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $100,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
The American diplomats reply,
"Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take the risk."
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May 2020
4:33pm, 18 May 2020
8,014 posts
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Binks
Found out this morning that my father was pronounced dead.
I feel like such an idiot. All these years I've been pronouncing it "Dad".
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May 2020
7:44pm, 18 May 2020
5,775 posts
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daz1927
My girlfriend said to me when I picked her up from work today. "When was the last time you had sex with someone that wasn't me?"
I said, "Before we met."
She smiled. "Aw really? That's so sweet."
"Yes," I replied, "About 20 minutes ago."
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May 2020
7:46pm, 18 May 2020
5,776 posts
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daz1927
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.
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Mundane Joke Thread
Nov 2021