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Jun 2020
5:41pm, 22 Jun 2020
887 posts
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Groundhog
Do we do "woke jokes" on this thread? This isn't one of them.
For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a prostitute for him. When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, "I'm here to give you super sex."
After thinking for a moment the old man replies, "I'll have the soup, please."
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Jun 2020
5:45pm, 22 Jun 2020
888 posts
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Groundhog
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes into the pub and the barman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
The barman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The barman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”
He replies, “I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
The barman responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?”
The second guy exclaims, “What!? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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Jun 2020
10:22pm, 22 Jun 2020
5,886 posts
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57.5 Degrees of Pain
WARNING
If you receive an email or WhatsApp message with the title 'Ding Dong', do not open it.
Apparently the Jehovah's Witnesses are working from home.
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Jun 2020
11:30pm, 22 Jun 2020
12,792 posts
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Jason1969
While most puns make me feel numb, maths puns make me number.
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Jun 2020
10:27pm, 23 Jun 2020
20 posts
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dUNKle
Scientists say it’s possible to live on Mars.
I know that’s nonsense.
I tried it once,
I put on 5 stone and became diabetic.
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Jun 2020
10:33pm, 23 Jun 2020
50,192 posts
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Diogenes
Reminds me of the time I did 4 marathons in one day. I also managed to fit in a Twix and a finger of fudge.
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Jun 2020
11:47pm, 23 Jun 2020
50,198 posts
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Diogenes
Louis Braille’s autobiography is the most touching story I’ve ever read.
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Jun 2020
7:55am, 24 Jun 2020
722 posts
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Muttley
^ Heh. In a similar vein: I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
(Gags like this are much appreciated by my nephew, who is blind.)
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Jun 2020
8:02am, 24 Jun 2020
723 posts
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Muttley
His favourite is the one about the blind skydiver -- who pulls the cord as soon as he feels the dog's lead go slack. (A Barry Cryer classic).
I went skydiving with him once, and that one got done to death in the course of the day 
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Jun 2020
10:55am, 24 Jun 2020
8,022 posts
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Binks
My blind friend handed me a cheese grater earlier.
Said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
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