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Mar 2020
1:31pm, 31 Mar 2020
12,144 posts
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Cerrertonia
A truckload of terrapins overturned on the A1 north of Newcastle today. Northumbria Police have described it as "a turtle disaster."
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Mar 2020
2:43pm, 31 Mar 2020
7,958 posts
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Binks
You really shouldn't joke about a stupid dwarf.
It's not big and it's not clever.
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Mar 2020
2:46pm, 31 Mar 2020
19,981 posts
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Nicholls595
No, it's OK Binks....
Probably go over his head anyway
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Mar 2020
2:49pm, 31 Mar 2020
3,704 posts
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Dillthedog
Ok, I’ll live dangerously:
The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward...
"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No, Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.
"No, none in Italy," the Pope answered more sternly.
A few more dwarfs began to laugh openly.
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
This time the pope was much more firm.
"Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
By this point, the other dwarfs were laughing out loud and rolling on the ground.
"Pope," Dopey demanded. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
"No Dopey!" He snapped. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Whereupon the six dwarfs started jumping up and down chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
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Mar 2020
3:20pm, 31 Mar 2020
39,192 posts
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Derby Tup
My old boss a PhD and the technical director of a business employing 1,500 people first told me that. I doubt I’ve ever been so surprised in my life. Well apart from the time he told me the one about the flamingo and the cat arguing over who’s round it was 
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Mar 2020
5:27pm, 31 Mar 2020
23,823 posts
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Maclennane
The wife just yelled from upstairs, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it angrily with pins?" What an odd question I thought. "No." I shouted up.
"How about now?" she said.
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Apr 2020
10:02am, 1 Apr 2020
5,433 posts
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57.5 Degrees of Pain
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Apr 2020
10:03am, 1 Apr 2020
5,434 posts
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57.5 Degrees of Pain
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Apr 2020
11:41am, 1 Apr 2020
5,703 posts
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daz1927
Does anyone know if you’re allowed to have a shower yet, or do we just keep washing our hands?
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Apr 2020
11:41am, 1 Apr 2020
5,704 posts
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daz1927
I was told that having no taste was an early symptom of the Coronavirus.
Looking across at my fat, ugly wife, I must have been infected for years.
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