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Aug 2024
7:55am, 8 Aug 2024
2,763 posts
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CK2
I’m glad Mrs Axe finally got to speak to the consultant although communication still sounds challenging with BIL. I hope the move goes relatively smoothly.
I’d imagine it’s very hard sorting out loved ones’ homes so thinking of you LG and Corrah.
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Aug 2024
1:13pm, 8 Aug 2024
27,178 posts
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Bazoaxe
Thanks all.....
The situ with BiL still has some way to go. When the time comes, how do we arrange/attend a funeral and sort out an estate if he wont speak to or meet us. We also have our sons wedding next year where he is apparently coming. What happens when he comes past the wedding party to shake hands.
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Aug 2024
1:33pm, 8 Aug 2024
17,608 posts
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jda
Well I'm not speaking with my brother so we have similar issues to look forward to.
Unless he does the decent thing and pops off before my mother, which isn't likely but must be a possibility.
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Aug 2024
3:10pm, 8 Aug 2024
2,665 posts
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Hibeedeb
That all sounds very tough Bazoaxe.
I am thankful my parents (91 and 88) are both in relatively good health, and have already sold their house and moved into a retirement residence that also has a nursing floor if they need more care.
My brother and I don’t talk to my sister, so we will face similar issues to Bazo and jada when my parents die.
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Aug 2024
6:17pm, 8 Aug 2024
27,179 posts
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Bazoaxe
It’s going to come to a crunch for him soon as he either
1) doesnt attend his mothers funeral
2) Tries to ban one or both of us from attending
3) turns up and either speaks to us or tries to avoid us
Quite how someone can operate like this is beyond me.
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Aug 2024
6:38pm, 8 Aug 2024
17,610 posts
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jda
My brother just didn't attend our sister's or father's funerals, which was a relief.
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Aug 2024
6:51pm, 8 Aug 2024
27,180 posts
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Bazoaxe
Given that BiL has visited every day since the news was broken, I doubt he will stay away. MiL is loving seeing him so often
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Aug 2024
8:09pm, 8 Aug 2024
19,507 posts
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Mandymoo
Sadly we didn't go to MIL's funeral, mind you we were not told when it was.
If we had gone it would have 100% ended up with a falling out so wasn't worth it. Have seen or spoken to SIL since and I like it that way
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Aug 2024
6:04am, 9 Aug 2024
7,310 posts
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Little Miss Happy
Strange how your BiL is suddenly so available and involved Baz.
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Aug 2024
6:27am, 9 Aug 2024
3,845 posts
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Big_G
I have been popping in and out over the last 4-5 years. Dad had diabetes which brought a lot of complications these last 4-5 years - toe amputation, which quickly led to a foot amputation, and then to a lower leg amputation. His other leg was looking dodgy as well, but he kept it.
He wanted to stay at home, and I made this happen with carers, food deliveries, medicine deliveries, and visits from myself (I’m 30mins away - I actually don’t know what would have happened if I was further away, and I did use to live and work a lot further away). He has a partner who lives across the road, who has been totally amazing. There was a short stay in a care home over Covid, which he hated me for - I mean really hated. But it was needed whilst the house was sorted. The last years he’s been bed bound totally, needing carers to get him into the living room, and unable to do anything himself. But it’s what he wanted and I tried to make it happen. Old bugger fought me every step of the way it feels, even down to simple things at the start like not wanting a key box on the wall. The amount of people going in and out meant (4 lots of carers, DNs, cleaners, doctors, emergency services on occasion) one was needed so I of course put one up anyway, but it’s just an example; he was fiercely independent and a strong man in his day, but of course his control slipped away to virtually nothing over the last years. Often I batted things away - for example, the most recent one was he wanted to sue the physios, because he was bed bound (of course this wasn’t their fault at all!). We often clashed about things like this, which often resulted in me saying goodbye and walking out. Sounds bad, I know, but I didn’t want a full scale row about stuff like this. But I was there for him, and he did know that. I just had my own boundaries of “I’m not doing any personal care” and I stuck rigidly to that. But I did lots of other things, just not that, and I do know and appreciate the personal care is the main thing, so hats off to anyone doing that.
The last couple of weeks, overnight care has been provided - social services put us on to Marie Curie, and they’ve been amazing. He slipped away last night, peacefully, with me (his only child) and his partner at his side. Incredibly sad, of course, but not unexpected. I don’t know what the word is really, but in some ways it’s a relief and how he went on for this long surprises me! He had a list of comorbidities as long as his arm.
I’m okay. It’s sad to see the decline in once a strong and capable man. Really sad. This is someone who could once put his hand to anything from building a house, to fixing cars. He was always quite slow and methodical, but anything like that he excelled at with no training, but he and Mum were always in low paid jobs (Mum died in 2003 - crikey!). He wanted a different life for me and he was so proud of me in what I went on to do as a kid, and adult. I know this deep down and we had some nice chats the last 2 or 3 weeks or so, which I’m glad, as the last week he’s been pretty much out of it on morphine.
I was out with friends on Sunday, and we’re all around the same age - 48. 5 of us there all worrying about parents and all doing our best. One of my mates said “for all my life I had the life of Riley, and then suddenly it’s ‘shit, my poor old Mum really needs me’ and it takes over”. Most here know what he’s on about I think. He described the situation as an onion - so many emotions from totally wanting the best for them and doing your best although frequently feeling it’s not enough and feeling guilty for that, through to also wanting your own life and also feeling guilty for that! It’s extremely tough and I hadn’t realised what was coming 4 or 5 years ago.
I can empathise with all of you going through similar, but I guess we just have to try and keep going.
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The Sandwich Generation - Aged Ps and children to care for?
Jun 2023