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Dec 2024
1:42pm, 14 Dec 2024
3,477 posts
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Mushroom
[ 'We need to talk about Kevin' was one of the scariest books I've ever read, coming as it did just as we were expecting our first child.. ]
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Dec 2024
1:49pm, 14 Dec 2024
72,614 posts
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Raptors claws are coming to town
[I'm glad I didn't read it when it was first published. Given what my oldest child's behaviour was like at that time, it would have scared the wits out of me.]
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Dec 2024
7:03pm, 14 Dec 2024
40,069 posts
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Ocelot Spleens
Pep Guardiola and Ange Postecoglu, two old men currently abjectly failing in their chosen profession were on a conference call with a young thrusting upstart cool guy Mikel Arteta, currently managing the greatest globally club the known universe has ever seen. They might not have won the most, but that's because of financial misdemeanors and large brown paper bags full of blood money.
Still, Pep and Ange said in unison, Woe is me, Woe is me, Mikel, just what are we going to do about our current situation?
After a short time and thinking about telling the pair of dullards to fuck right off into the very far distance, the great man said winking.
Don't worry lads, they'll be a job for you just around the corner, at places requisite with your abilities,
keep your eyes out for positions at Leicester and United.
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Dec 2024
7:15pm, 14 Dec 2024
25,383 posts
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Chrisity
The basilisk fangs rolled on the floor, as Nagini rose up, poised to strike down on Ron and Hermione. Suddenly Neville appeared, the sword of Gryffindor cutting an arc through the air as he struck fatally. The boy who was so clumsy and useless throughout his first years was going to be a hero at last. The memories of Malfoy throwing his Remembrall away, the problems with the Boggart and accidentally breaking the prophecy made about Harry and Voldemort in the Department of Mysteries were forgotten, this is what he would be remembered for.
Hermione looked on watching the head roll down the stairs, bounce, bounce, bounce, a mass of blood and ........... ginger hair.
"Oops" said Neville.
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Dec 2024
7:16pm, 14 Dec 2024
72,623 posts
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Raptors claws are coming to town
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Dec 2024
7:53pm, 14 Dec 2024
89,790 posts
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Diogenes
Mid-December and most of London was sparkling with Christmas lights and cheer, but a few dark corners remained where the hapless and hopeless hid themselves away.
At Slough House, Roddy Ho was Christmas shopping online, considering making a trip to Lapland, his favourite gentleman’s club. After all, the girl’s deserved a seasonal visit from the Hotrod to put the icing on their Christmas cake, he generously concluded, before clicking confirm on the checkout screen. None of the rest of his colleagues were onsite. River Cartwright was awol once again, chasing a tenuous lead, trying to cover up yet another screw-up, or paying a visit to the Old Bastard who no longer knew whether it was Christmas, Easter, or Star Wars day.
Louisa Guy was Christmas shopping, matching each shop visited with a cocktail chaser in a nearby bar. The more she bought the happier she became. Shirley Dander was wandering the streets of Hampstead looking for carol singers to punch, thinking about Marcus Longridge and how he would’ve put a month’s wages on a white Christmas, knowing as soon as he’d placed the bet that he’d lost.
Catherine Standish was making her way up Aldersgate, laden down with bags of fairy lights and decorations, when her mobile rang. She had to drop her bags and scramble about in her overcoat pockets to retrieve her phone.
“Standish, where are you? Have you started on the egg nog already?” asked an abrupt voice.
“I’m just on my way into Slough House” sighed Catherine.
“Good. Round up the little helpers and tell them to be in my office at four.”
Catherine started to ask what for, but the line was already dead. She picked up her bags once more and continued towards Slough House wondering what Jackson Lamb was up to now.
As she put up the decorations, one by one the other slow horses returned to the fold, although none of them helped her with her work. Roddy Ho requisitioned all of the mistletoe, ensuring that no one would come anywhere near him. River slumped in his chair, Louisa, carrying. Bottle of tequila, went in search of clean glasses, and Shirley kept her hands in the pockets of her bomber jacket to prevent herself strangling anyone with a string of tinsel.
“What’s this all about? asked River.
“Your guess is as good as mine,” said Catherine, “but I don’t suppose it’s to announce our Christmas bonus. Come on, we’d better get up there or there’ll be hell to pay.”
“He’s not even in the building, this is probably just his idea of a joke” snarled Shirley, but nevertheless she slouched up the stairs behind the others.
River paused outside Jackson’s door and held up a warning hand.
“There’s someone in there,” he whispered.
“What’s that smell? asked Louisa.
“Cinnamon?” suggested Catherine.
“It’s a winter spice candle” asserted Roddy. They all turned to look at him with varying degrees of disbelief.
“I know my candles” he shrugged.
“There are lights in there and a warm glow coming from the corner. Lamb never has a light on” Catherine observed.
Cartwright turned the door handle and they slowly made their way into the room. A figure sat in the chair behind the desk, facing away from them. A winter spice candle burnt on the desk and the light they’d observed was from a handsome Christmas tree draped in bulbs and ornaments.
“Hello,” said Catherine cautiously, “who is that?”
The figure said nothing at first but then slowly turned in his chair and in a rich, booming voice said “Ho-ho-ho!”
“What? asked Roddy, backing towards the door.
“Merry Christmas!” continued the figure, ignoring Ho, as did everyone else. Now he was facing them they could see he was a portly man dressed in a Santa suit.
Shirley Dander approached Santa and attempted to pull off his hood and tug at his beard which turned out, on closer inspection, to be nothing more than four days stubble, but Father Christmas moved with surprising agility and tripped Dander so she fell in a heap on something large and shapeless on the floor.
“Careful, said Santa, “your squashing my sack.” This time the voice and the tone were more familiar.
“Lamb? Catherine enquired.
“Well who else would be sitting in my chair in my office? Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn’t ask you any difficult questions today. Cartwright, hand out the presents, Guy, pour out some drinks. There are soft drinks for you, Standish, wouldn’t want you falling off the wagon after all this time.”
He belched loudly.
“Already had a couple myself. Quality drop, even if I do say so myself.”
The room was speechless. Finally Catherine broke the silence.
“What…”
“How…” spluttered Louisa.
“Why…” asked River.
“Who are you really?” demanded Shirley.
“Who do you think I am, Father fucking Christmas? I don’t suppose even Ho is stupid enough to still believe in him. I’m Jackson Lamb, your boss rewarding you for all your hard work this year, wanting to express how much I respect and care for you all.”
He paused.
“And I had a memo from HR.”
Shirley took out a gun and shot him dead.
“Clearly an imposter.”
“I don’t think so” said River, “I think it was really him.”
“He must have been very drunk” said Louisa, “impossibly and unbelievably so, given his levels of tolerance.”
They stood regarding his dead body, each one lost in their own memories, when the corpse let out a loud, extended fart of weapon-grade toxicity.
“It was definitely him” concluded Catherine.
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Dec 2024
7:54pm, 14 Dec 2024
89,791 posts
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Diogenes
(I think that’s a hundred words or so)
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Dec 2024
7:58pm, 14 Dec 2024
8,948 posts
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In the bleak midWinniefree
Brilliant
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Dec 2024
12:50pm, 15 Dec 2024
1,514 posts
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stilldreamingofawhitechristmas
Having hiked very close to a place called Birchinlee in the Peak District last night, these tales are giving me flashbacks 😳
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