|
16 Jan
9:14pm, 16 Jan 2024
66,172 posts
|
LindsD
Yes. That too.
Sorry to hear that Baz. You sound exhausted
|
|
16 Jan
9:15pm, 16 Jan 2024
73,424 posts
|
Lip Gloss
The last fight I had with my dad was over a mattress lying in his bedroom. He asked my sister and I to take it downstairs and take it to the dump. He had awkward stairs but we trailed it down and when we got it down he then demanded we put it back as he didn’t want to throw it out. After spending a frustrating week with him I lost it and and told him he could put it back himself. Of course we just dumped it
|
|
17 Jan
6:44am, 17 Jan 2024
6,861 posts
|
Little Miss Happy
(((1step))) sorry to hear that you're in such a difficult situation. Do you think that your parents have an expectation that you'll do whatever's necessary and that's part of the reason they don't feel they need outside help? If that could be part of the problem then explaining that you will get in to trouble at work for taking time off/lose income might help? I think some elderly people have a thing about not spending the inheritance they want to leave. Unfortunately it often takes a crisis/things being imposed on them to make them see sense.
Sorry things are being stirred up again Baz.
|
|
17 Jan
12:07pm, 17 Jan 2024
16,250 posts
|
jda
1step I cope by basically being callous. I think it runs in the family, not my own invention. I blame the parents 
My dad suddenly said in his later years that he wanted us to fix up the old wooden garage which was collapsing and full of junk. We just laughed and said you’ve left it like that for 50 years when you were quite capable of doing something about it. Why do you think we should fix it for you now that you can’t?
Ditto FiL’s leaky and collapsing roof, a carer eventually noticed water coming in (there are buckets and pans collecting drips around the house). We’ve tried to help him fix it for a decade, he’s always refused (insists on asking a local handyman who doesn’t have either the skills or the time and who was always fobbing him off). No way I’m taking that job on now just because he’s been diagnosed with dementia. Just one of many issues with that house…
|
|
17 Jan
12:21pm, 17 Jan 2024
49,176 posts
|
HappyG(rrr)
The bit I don't understand is inheritance. Why should the value of savings or even a house not be used to pay to make your life more comfortable when you are older. No child should *expect* an inheritance, surely. So if your old age and infirmity requires you to spend money to be better cared for, then surely that is the aged P's right? (Obv I'm not getting into the political debate about how much of your health and social care needs should be met for free - that's a different point). But for holidays, luxuries, extra help, even gifts etc. then why not. It's their money, not mine.
Moot point for me as neither of my Ps had anything to leave. In fact, I subsidise my mum! G
|
|
17 Jan
12:21pm, 17 Jan 2024
16,251 posts
|
jda
TBH seeing my sister die a few years ago has also rather hardened me to the decline of the elderly who have had full lives. Once you really know, and feel, and accept that we are all going to die, trying to desperately sustain them at all costs can feel a bit pointless IMO.
My wife and I were quite seriously discussing that it wouldn’t be much of a tragedy at all if FiL didn’t come round from his anasthetic, or perhaps caught pneumonia in hospital. 93 with dementia and not clear he’ll ever regain much independence (which is quite clearly his sole ambition at this point, he loves his house and won’t leave it willingly). He’s not at death’s door but just sitting in a bed having a few spoonfuls of soup each day. Will he enjoy a couple of years of that in a care home, getting increasingly bewildered, confused, scared? At least my sister had a steadily increasing morphine dose and it didn’t last too long.
Sorry that’s a bit of a digression.
|
|
17 Jan
12:39pm, 17 Jan 2024
26,223 posts
|
Bazoaxe
HG - thats a great point on inheritance. We know MiL has money and we know she really stresses about IHT. We also know she wont pay IHT. Now if we inherit that wil be nice, but we might pass it directly to our children.
However the bigger danger than IHT care care costs and its possible, maybe even likely, that MiLs money will be whittled away by care costs. Albeit she has no intention of going into care, but that may come whether she likes it or not.
I said to Mrs Axe at the weekend, rather than worry about IHT, if she was worried about that money, she should have ben gradually offloading the money to family from at least 10 years ago and that would mean it may not be used to pay for care as long as she was within the annual gift limits and lived for seven years. I do know I would need to learn more about what these are though
|
|
17 Jan
12:43pm, 17 Jan 2024
49,179 posts
|
HappyG(rrr)
7 years, that's right Bazo. We have owned my mum's house for 15 years so we're OK (though it's worth b*gger all, given where we live!)
I think the government should pay for health and social care, including elderly, out of massively increased taxes if necessary. But the "extras" I think those who have sufficient savings or even releasing equity from a house to make themselves more comfortable, shouldn't feel guilty about "spending kids' inheritance"! Imho! G
|
|
17 Jan
12:56pm, 17 Jan 2024
26,225 posts
|
Bazoaxe
My parents tried to transfer ownership of their house to my brother and I but their lawyer said he wasnt prepared to do that and they would need to find another lawyer. I am not quite sure of the ins and outs.
On IHT, I am in favour of an increase in that and I was surprised when we looked into it that its not £325k, but is actually up to £1m if the person was married and their spouse didnt use any of their allowance.
|
|
17 Jan
2:09pm, 17 Jan 2024
16,253 posts
|
jda
You don't need to be below any gift limits Bazo, the limits (up to £3k of gifts per year IIRC, plus some extras like weddings and birthdays) are entirely exempt from any IHT clawback. It's only sums larger than this that are potentially subject to a tax clawback that tapers over 7 years.
Giving your house away to children is complicated if you intend to stay living there, as it may be judged to not have been a genuine gift. Also, councils can take a more severe view on anything they view to be "deprivation of assets" to evade paying for care costs, compared to HMRC and IHT where the rules are very clear cut.
|
