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Jun 2021
11:07pm, 9 Jun 2021
47,614 posts
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LindsD
Hugs. So hard xx
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Jun 2021
11:23pm, 9 Jun 2021
3,807 posts
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decorum
The memory thing mentioned is very familiar ~ as is having family say that we should be glad that remaining parent/grandparent is still here (yeah, well you're not dealing with the confusion, forgetfulness, decline on a constant basis, are you!)
We'd love to take him out and about but he can't walk more than 150 yards (and that wipes him out!) ... but he doesn't consider that he'd benefit from wheels ~ because he states that a) ... he doesn't need one, b) is too likely to get reliant on it because he's lazy, c) we just need to learn to stop, rest and restart and do as he has to ... and d) he'd have to make space for it in his mobile skip.
a) Yes, you do need one.
b) Tackle your laziness and use the tool to get you where you need/want to and then walk around a bit.
c) No because taking half an hour to move 100 meters is not great fun and really not at all interesting 👍
d) His car is also full of 'must have' stuff ~ aka 'Crap'
Six months into having my dad with us and my specialist has told me to gradually increase my digestive meds to almost double of what I needed prior to his arrival ... stress is a major trigger for the worsening of my condition and although he acknowledges that stress indeed makes me worse he still demands that he doesn't cause stress.
Sister has now heard how he alters what you say to or tell him. She was horrified at his 'paraphrasing' of what she'd said to him whilst he and I were talking on the phone (I'd heard what she'd actually said to him in the background ... and he completely altered the context  ) ... it was a fantastic coup! When he does it to me/us we try to correct him and he either purposely ignores us or claims that it's just 'banter' ... no dad, it's purposely inaccurate, it's misleading and, if it's between me and sister, there's already enough distance between the two of us without making her think there's anything untoward going on' (Years back the daft old goat mentioned his lady friend to her and said "We've discussed but decided against, getting married ... you'd like her, she's just like your Mum!".
The reality was that he'd said that they spent so much time together that they might as well get married. To which he got a firm and resounding "NO!". And what bloody idiot, who actually knows that daughter hasn't gotten over losing her mum tells her that her mum has an equal and is therefore replaceable? Me and dad had words over that one ~ he thought that it'd make the loss more easy on her .... mum was not a pet!)
And the teen/Terrible Twos tantrums ... he has his moments of being an Old Age Brat! More and more often his consideration is that a conversation is him talking and stating, at us ~ and an expectation that we'll be wowed by his wisdom. Occasionally, if we're lucky, he'll admit that he wasn't actually listening to our original conversation but had heard us say a specific word, phrase or sentence and wanted to talk out that bit 😞
It's not easy, most of us are in a similar boat and heading in roughly the same direction. Just remember to try to be kind to and forgive, yourselves.
([Dio])
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Jun 2021
6:26am, 10 Jun 2021
4,603 posts
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Little Miss Happy
(((Dio)))
I don't know how you're managing decorum especially with the obvious detrimental affect on your own health. You are a far nicer person than I.
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Jun 2021
7:31am, 10 Jun 2021
939 posts
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Big_G
A quick update on Dad is that he's agreed to go into an Intermediary Care place for a couple of weeks, where they'll be a bit more active with the physio and the moving around he needs. They did an assessment on him at the community hospital and he he can't currently dress or wash himself, so if he wants go go home (which he does) he's going to have to make some very big changes if he eventually gets there.
He's not aware of this, but there's talk of being provided a hospital bed at home, which once he gets into the room, he basically won't move out of all that much at all. So toilet, meals, everything will be done in there, and carers will be needed to help with all this stuff. I think it is slowly beginning to dawn on him that he is going to be reliant on others as up until now he has being saying "I'll be fine - I've got Sainsbury's phone number, and I can call for Chinese". I.E, implying all he thinks he needs is food, and everything else will be fine. I see it the other way - the food isn't really too much of an issue, but it's everything else that is the massive concern. But, the washing/dressing assessment didn't go well at all really, and he knows that.
In some ways it's hard to see it dawning on him, but at the same time I'm glad it is. For example, I was expecting a massive fight for him to agree that the intermediary care was needed, but he agreed (more or less) straight away.
I know the intermediary care is only going to be for a short time and he won't come out vastly different to what he is now. But hopefully he'll get used to using the banana board thing (to get from the bed to to the commode), and build up some strength at least. I've know I've got much worse to come so it's only really pushing the problem away for a couple of weeks, but at this stage I'll take the extra time.
I know this sounds awful and very selfish, but at the moment I'm just pleased he's somewhere else and not at home, and the longer he is away the better in some ways. Don't get me wrong - I hate seeing him so upset, depressed and immobile. It's awful. I remember him as a big, strong man capable of anything. He was so strong it was impressive to see really, and now he can't even get himself out of bed. But the stress levels when he was at home weren't sustainable.
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Jun 2021
7:35am, 10 Jun 2021
22,088 posts
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Serendippily
I don’t think it sounds awful or selfish. If you can’t acknowledge difficult things as difficult it makes the stress of it even worse. And if it is difficult, potentially ineffectual and mucks you up, you need a rest from it x
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Jun 2021
7:40am, 10 Jun 2021
47,616 posts
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LindsD
Hugs to all. Keep posting
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Jun 2021
9:09am, 10 Jun 2021
4,604 posts
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Little Miss Happy
I agree with Serendippily - it's neither awful nor selfish Big_G. I'm glad that the assessment has led to the rehab place. Hopefully they will manage to inspire your dad to work hard and regain as much independence as he can - it's very much up to him at this point. It's difficult for all of us to come to terms with being unable to do the things we once could or want to do, it's like a period of bereavement but hopefully he'll adjust. Life in one room is not something I would want to contemplate. Is a mobility scooter something that might be of use to him a little further down the line? Give him some freedom and independence?
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Jun 2021
11:18am, 10 Jun 2021
3,808 posts
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decorum
As others have said, it's not awful nor selfish ~ infact that it upsets you is a sure sign that you care. You can only give so much for so long before you have to recoup your own losses before you can carry on again.
Keep strong, allow yourself moments of weakness. Be kind to yourself as well as to others.
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Jun 2021
6:45pm, 10 Jun 2021
33,559 posts
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LazyDaisy
Such sad and frustrating times for so many
Fancy a bit of light relief? Under the 'You couldn't make it up' heading...
You may remember that it took a good nine months from my Mum's death to be reimbursed with the fees she'd overpaid and settle the personal contribution she was due to pay. That was finally settled at the end of April so in May I distributed that money to the beneficiaries under her will and with relief drew a line under the whole sorry business of dealing with the care home Trust.
In yesterday's post I received an invoice from the Trust for a three-figure sum. No explanation but it appeared to relate to the month ending 31st May 2021. WTF? I phoned them and the accounts office person laid the blame on the County Council having changed the contribution amount. Further delving (luckily I'd kept all the correspondence and emails) and I can see that actually, it's nothing of the sort and it's a straightforward arith error at the Trust.
I am so angry. I have said that at the moment I am not inclined to pay this bill - it's entirely their mistake (which they've taken since the end of April to notice) and the money would have to come out of my personal money as obviously my mother's bank account has been closed.
I'm waiting for their response. I expect I will pay it in the end but it is pretty outrageous. I should add that my son, an accountant, has a number of care home clients (not this one) and says he is not at all surprised as the record keeping at care homes seems almost universally appalling. If you have relatives in a care home, it may be worth hanging on to every piece of financial correspondence you receive - you never know when it may be useful!!
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Jun 2021
6:46pm, 10 Jun 2021
4,607 posts
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Little Miss Happy
That’s appalling LD.
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