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Jun 2021
3:56pm, 1 Jun 2021
10,258 posts
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jda
WP, you started out by saying "not ready for a home" but also that she leaves the cooker and appliances on and is a danger to your dad. You go on to say you think they should be separated to protect your dad. This seems inconsistent to me.
Based on what's written, it sounds to me like she does indeed need to be in a care home where she will not be a danger to herself or others. IMO.
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Jun 2021
4:18pm, 1 Jun 2021
19,913 posts
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Bazoaxe
The decision making process in the elderly does seem to overlook the hazards and complications in things
MiL has a minor water issue at her shower and when we looked at it on Sunday we can see what happens when the carers have the shower door open to help her and water gets out. Its unavoidable
The best solution is a big bathroom overhaul to create a wet area and get rid of the bath. MiL doesnt want a wet room but seemed to want a new half sized bath. MiLs main solution is to get an extra bit of screen that she would have to step over to get in and out but would contain most of the water. For someone who cannot walk on an even surface, she just couldnt see why I ruled that solution out as being totally impractical at best and potentially the cause of a very nasty fall.
BiLs solution is to keep the door shut when in the shower, but clearly doesnt realise that MiL needs help to turn it off/on and regulate the temperature. In fact she claimed to us the shower was broken and running cold. I switched it on and showed her it was fine and the water was warm, but apparently it was broken as one of her carers couldnt get the temperature right.
The shower itself is really poorly thought out and I think we can minimise the issue with a lot of silicone to plug a gap that exists and a little bit of sanding and painting.
There is a further issue with the toilet which we had a leak repaired once recently and I know MiL has fallen off on at least 2 occasions and this is what has caused the damage. It is however watertight which to me is what matters. MiL though wants other odd sounding solutions.
As if that wasnt enough once we were all sat down out of the bathroom, she produces a saga magazine which recommends buying gold bullion and she wants me to help her invest !
None of the above are really desperate and nothing like the situation WPs parents are in, but it does make me wonder how long MiL can live alone, even with the carers.
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Jun 2021
4:57pm, 1 Jun 2021
51,872 posts
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Lip Gloss
WW, I’m truly sorry to hear your situation. How can people in authority think they are best left together to possibly do serious harm to one another. I fear it wouldn’t be long before one of them ‘breaks’ and then the tragedy 
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Jun 2021
5:40pm, 1 Jun 2021
843 posts
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CK2
Very tricky situations WP and Bazoaxe. I agree with others about the likely care needs of your mother, WP. It must be heartbreaking.
Following my anxiety over the weekend we’ve now heard that they’re discharging my dad today and that he instructed them to communicate with him not the family! He is better but will need a lot of support and has OT assessments around this. Fortunately my brother is there now and I’ll pop down later in the week.
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Jun 2021
6:14pm, 1 Jun 2021
11,933 posts
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Mandymoo
WP everyone else has said it all - I will just send hugs to you and I really hope you get the help you need xx
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Jun 2021
8:53pm, 1 Jun 2021
47,422 posts
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LindsD
I am also sending hugs to everyone.
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Jun 2021
10:06pm, 1 Jun 2021
3,750 posts
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Wombling Plodder (Welsh Womble)
Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your comments and support.
I have been in meetings for most of the day so have spent the evening sending messages to the social worker and the GP - let's see what response I get.
My father does not have a social worker in Suffolk, he somehow fell between the cracks when he moved from London but was assessed by a social worker when they first assessed my mother - they put him in touch with some support groups but that has all stopped due to Covid19 and his needs are not being taken into consideration and he is expected to care for my mother. I know that he has become independent since he got his guide dog but it doesn't seem fair to put this on a visually impaired person who is in his mid 70s and has had several heart attacks since his late 20s. Even when he was rushed into hospital with Sepsis in 2019 there was no follow up support for either of my parents.
Following my complaint about social services regarding the non assessment my mother was referred to what I thought was the Dementia team - we have had 2 visits and they have put her on a new medication and if this works then they were going to discharge her in mid June. I shall therefore have to contact them too the improvement in her anxiety and behaviour was short lived.
I know that funds have been cut but there doesn't seem to be much support in Suffolk - also my mother has had a stroke in late 2019 and has now been diagnosed with angina as well as a list of other things but everything gets recorded as dementia, or as a result of medication.
I wasn't clear in my previous ramblings but it is social care that are saying that my mother is not ready to go into a home, not me. Their view is that my mother would be best cared for at home, whether this be by my father or care workers and that they will only consider moving her when she is unable to be cared for and needs nursing.
I feel that I am doing all I can and am being let down by the professionals. I have friends and family saying to me that I need to do this or need to do that but I am trying. Words are so easy to say but where are they - at least in here I feel that I am supported and all wise words/hugs are appreciated, whereas I feel I only hear from the others when my mother is being a pain and I have the magic wand to stop her texting their landlines or burdening them with her random texts.
Is the lack of support a common theme across the counties? I know it was difficult to get support for my grandfather but I was hoping that things would have improved since the late 80s.
Apologies for another long posting - I think I must have used up all my fetch credits today
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Jun 2021
10:11pm, 1 Jun 2021
3,751 posts
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Wombling Plodder (Welsh Womble)
@Baz, I hope you are able to find a solution for the shower. My parents had their bath removed to help my Dad - they now have a large shower tray (length of bath) and an extended screen but I am not sure that would work for your MiL as the care worker would still need to be able to reach the taps.
@CK2, I hope things improve for you and that your Dad's aftercare is spot on. Take care of yourself too.
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Jun 2021
10:17pm, 1 Jun 2021
51,883 posts
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Lip Gloss
Isn't there a care manager attached to the surgery you can contact for your dad?
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Jun 2021
10:36pm, 1 Jun 2021
3,752 posts
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Wombling Plodder (Welsh Womble)
@LipGloss, not that I am aware of. Every time I contact them they refer my messages or calls to the GP who is now semi retired. I spoke with him last year when I was concerned about my father’s mental well-being and he arranged to see my Dad. I can check though xx
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