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11 Feb
7:02am, 11 Feb 2025
90,636 posts
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Diogenes
Very tough, Paula. It's nice of you to say you don't blame them, but hardly fair on you.
McG, I guess the isolation will be heightened by less reason for all the children to visit. I wonder if you will start getting more calls for help for things from her?
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11 Feb
7:14am, 11 Feb 2025
13,162 posts
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PaulaMc
LMH - oh no, not at all, and in fact it’s impossible for us to do it more than once or twice a week given where we are, work and visiting times.
He’ll just have to manage. Bottom line is he wouldn’t be there at all if he’d looked after himself even a tiny bit.
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11 Feb
7:40am, 11 Feb 2025
26,766 posts
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geordiegirl
Oh guys I’d somehow managed to unwatch this thread and therefore missed all your updates.
Sorry for your loss DocM, but sounds like
Scribbler that sounds a very difficult situation and I hope you and your siblings, now better aware, can manage the situation I was also going to say DNR if he’s of sound mind can be arranged by him not his family. I hope he remains as comfortable and painfree as possible and she steps up to a caring wife role.
Sounds like a very difficult situation for your dad Paula and feels wrong that the carers haven’t raised concerns for his lack of functioning basics. I hope you can get his home sorted and caring improved. I am guessing you are quite away from him but getting the right care in place will help him.
McG that does sound like a good outcome for FiL and hopefully MiL adjusts to her new life too.
Apologies for lack of other direct replies but know I am sending fetch love and support to you all.
Just dropped my parents at the airport, they are off to Benidorm for a little holiday. After where my dad was 2yrs ago I’m incredibly happy to have persuaded him to go away. His anxiety is still there but the meds def help him manage it. We are all off to Gran Canaria in April for a week, hopefully they’ll be a bit more independent this year after a couple of holidays in their own. My in laws remain fiercely independent. We are very lucky but also very conscious things could change rapidly.
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11 Feb
8:22am, 11 Feb 2025
55,043 posts
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McGoohan
Well, the interesting thing now is MiL wants to visit the care home every day, which is fine. Sometimes this will work with the existing carers. There are two that she particularly likes, T and L. She was told that one day, a stand-in, G, would be taking her.
'Urgh, no not her. I won't get in a car with her.'
So she was told, 'I guess you won't be visiting that day then...' So she harumphed and reluctantly agreed.
Unfortunately, L - the best carer they have to be honest - has just handed her notice in and leaves next month. T is getting married next month and then is going on a six week honeymoon. So she'll be seeing a lot of G for a while.
On the days no carer is available, we're organising a taxi for her. First taxi will be today. We shall see how that goes.
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11 Feb
9:05am, 11 Feb 2025
18,453 posts
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jda
My mother visited my father every day when he was in a care home. The care home was a short walk away so that mostly worked really well, but was a bit of a ball and chain when it came to actually doing anything else with her life!
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11 Feb
9:56am, 11 Feb 2025
55,044 posts
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McGoohan
That reminds me. She lives out in the sticks about 5 miles from the care home with no public transport between the two. She was initially talking about moving into the care home too, but when she was being taken to see him the other day saw that new houses are being built across the way from the care home. About the limit of how far she can walk.
'Oh, I could sell my house and buy a little cottage,' she said - and I was instantly reminded of LazyDaisy's mum saying that sort of thing.
It might sound like a good idea but it's not realistic. I think the last thing we want is trying to sell their existing house and buying her a new house at the same time. Of course, she wouldn't be able to do it. We would have to do it all.
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11 Feb
10:06am, 11 Feb 2025
72,591 posts
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LindsD
Hope the taxi goes well today.
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11 Feb
10:10am, 11 Feb 2025
72,592 posts
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LindsD
And no, that doesn't sound like a good idea. I was reminded that in the retirement community where my Mum lives, there is a bit of a narrative of 'adult children forcing their elderly relatives to do things they don't want to do'. She has a neighbour who is living there because her husband had a stroke and lives in the care home on site. She was 'forced' to move in by her daughter. Next door's daughter 'isn't very nice to her'. I dread to think what she says about me.
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11 Feb
10:11am, 11 Feb 2025
72,593 posts
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LindsD
For the avoidance of doubt, I don't think there is any coercion or abuse in either of these cases, just an elderly person projecting their upset about a difficult situation on their adult children.
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11 Feb
10:29am, 11 Feb 2025
79,996 posts
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LipGloss
I think if dad had been able to have a reasonable conversation and know where he was there’s no doubt we would have blamed for that .
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The Sandwich Generation - Aged Ps and children to care for?
Jun 2023