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8 Feb
7:00pm, 8 Feb 2025
13,151 posts
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PaulaMc
I’m only about half way through it. We won’t have time to get to the hospital tonight so that means coming back again tomorrow. I’ve thrown away 2 bin bags of dirty, rotten and/or falling apart clothes. I’m glad I have a day’s annual leave on Monday, I think I’m going to need it to decompress.
We need to work out some way to keep a closer eye on him, clearly the people here just bring him lunch and that’s it. The place is rank. I feel guilty and sad and angry and disgusted all at the same time.
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8 Feb
7:56pm, 8 Feb 2025
72,554 posts
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LindsD
That's very tough Paula. I'm sorry.
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8 Feb
8:24pm, 8 Feb 2025
6,470 posts
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TheScribbler
My dad is 75 and has an inoperable cancer. Until about 5 years ago, he was well, but had the odd pains in his legs. We thought sciatic related, but an MRI showed up cancer.
He’s had two ops. One very successful, but despite being told the odds of the cancer returning were very low, it did.
He now uses a chairlift and wheelchair to move around the house and spends a lot of the day in bed. He has carers who come and check on him I think four times a day.
His wife, age 52, and son, age 15 also live in the house.
From what I understand from my brother who sees him most days, and what my sister says, his wife does almost nothing for him when she’s at home. The carers take him food and sort him out.
He can move about a bit, and is fully mentally capable when he’s not taking pain medication that knocks him out (oramorph?)
We were at his sister’s funeral on Friday. He wanted to stand and speak, but couldn’t and sat in his chair at the front of the church as the vicar read words that he wrote that made us all cry.
I could see he was in pain all day, he was so drawn in his face. Later in the evening my middle brother and sister took a photo of him at home and he looked so much more comfortable.
There’s quite a bit of judgement from my family about his wife not looking after him. She also goes away to visit her Mum in Spain quite often, leaving Dad and my youngest brother in the house.
I only get to see and hear this stuff when I’m there, so it’s hard for me to know what’s going on.
But apparently, after the funeral, Dad’s wife had gone to the pub with some of the family, including middle bro and my sister and started talking about getting them to sign a DNR for him. My sister closed down the conversation as not the time or place, but it’s shaken me up a bit. Not least because I’m not part of those conversations.
Sorry Fetchies, I don’t know what I want to ask or know about all this, I guess I just wanted to say it and acknowledge how upset I am and how I feel I cannot do anything.
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8 Feb
9:25pm, 8 Feb 2025
51,936 posts
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HappyG(rrr)
That sounds really unpleasant Scribs. And very upsetting for you. My dad's last (4th) wife was over 20 years his junior. We fell out when he died. 
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8 Feb
10:05pm, 8 Feb 2025
10,671 posts
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TeeBee
Very upsetting Scribs. So sorry you are going through this.
Hugs also to Paula
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8 Feb
10:22pm, 8 Feb 2025
72,555 posts
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LindsD
That sounds upsetting and frightening Scribbs. (())
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9 Feb
5:11am, 9 Feb 2025
13,153 posts
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PaulaMc
That’s worrying Scribs. Are you able to have a conversation with your dad about this? Would there be any sense in a family meeting, or is that not possible?
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9 Feb
6:52am, 9 Feb 2025
7,875 posts
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Little Miss Happy
Scribbler - if your dad has capacity a DNR is his choice not his next of kin. It is difficult when you don't know the full situation - your dad and his wife may have decided they wanted to keep their relationship as separate from his care as possible or she may be the wicked step mother. I take it you don't have a good relationship with them/him so can't talk to him yourself?
Paula - can you change the parameters of the carers role or is it NHS funded? Would he let carers clean up/wash clothes etc? I hope you managed to get some rest.
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9 Feb
7:28am, 9 Feb 2025
20,837 posts
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Mandymoo
Sorry Scribbs and Paula, sounds alike a very tough time for you both xx
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9 Feb
7:34am, 9 Feb 2025
55,037 posts
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McGoohan
Hard times all round. xx
Liebling got home last night. The depositing of her Dad in the care home was difficult indeed because her Mum was constantly changing her mind. 'I can't do it, I won't do it. None of you are thinking about what I want. You can't make me do it.'
In the end, Liebling had to lay down the law a bit - 'I have POA for Dad's health and he needs to be in a care home for his continued good health' She went through all the possible scenarios of him staying at home: falls, aspiration pneumonia, etc.
When they went the next day to visit him, he'd taken to the place like a duck to water and has even made a friend, another elderly man at a similar stage. They talk to each other without making much sense nor indeed really listening, but they both enjoy the experience.
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