BEFORE RACE DAY
Buy some nice springy new shoes to run in on the day.
Carbo Load with Guinness
Do a 20 mile run on the Saturday to convince yourself that you can do the distance.
Have a Madras curry the night before for energy
Don't bother packing your race bag on Saturday - it's best to get a good night's sleep, leave it until tomorrow morning and pack when you get up
ON THE MORNING - PREPARATION
Try to get there a bit earlier if you are planning to enter on the day
Hope you all remember that there is a swim and bike section to this all first???
Take a ladder with you so you can get over that wall they keep mentioning, although why they couldn’t find a route around it i have no idea
Remember your Jimmy Choos to change into
Bring some extra layers as its going to be cold
Lard makes a great Vaseline substitute
Wear the new shorts with the stiff legs
Call Jade Goody for some last minute race tips
Take all your own water. Can't trust this foreign muck
Take your own chemical toilet as you don't want to use the public ones
Make sure you wear clean underwear just in case and remember a fresh pair of socks for 1/2 way
Ladies - remember you'll be on telly, so you'll want to get up early to blow dry your hair and put your make up on. Also, try not to do anything uncouth like sweating or grimacing.
Get a friend to give you a lift to the 25 mile mark, and then run the last mile home. You'll be as fresh as a daisy when you cross the finish line, helping you to look good on the photo
Ladies, use a camera lens as a mirror, so you may freshen your makeup and run barefoot so all can admire the pedicure you had.
Just like a cross channel swimmer, a long distance runner requires a coating of goose-fat to keep out the cold
Don't wee at the start save it until the finish the queues will be shorter there.
The start is on The Mall. Go to Greenwich, leave your kit in one of the white cubicles where you see the runners queuing and then get on the bus with the same letter as the first in your surname. They provide lots of bags for you to sit on so that the ride is comfortable
AT THE START LINE
Yes you did leave the iron on. Go back and switch it off immediately
Don’t forget that it is a relay. You can't start until someone has passed you the baton.
Improve your finishing position by 'taking out' as many runners as possible at the start
Collect up all the bin liners and discarded clothes and take them to the finish with you in case anyone needs them
When you get into your starting pen, ask the runner next to you "So is this longer than the New York marathon, then?"
There is a grey start for the colour blind
Just before the starting gun, point up to the sky and shout 'THE ALIENS ARE COMING!!!'. When the gun goes off, the other runners will be distracted, and you will have a clean start.
Intimidate other runners by taking those starting block thingies sprinters use to the start and assume the crouch position
Sit on the shoulders of Heile Gebreselasse, wearing a long trench coat which is just long enough so he cannot be seen underneath. Put your race number on the coat, and hey presto, you've knocked 2 hours off your PB
If you here a gun fire at the start it means that the race is cancelled
RACE TACTICS
Alternate 1 mile forward/1 mile backwards to save your leg muscles. Carry a mirror for the backward bits.
To best alternate the workload on your legs, hop on your left up to halfway, then hop on your right to the end
Go quicker at the start so you can take it easier at the finish
It's best to go flat out over the first mile to lose the crowds, after 3 miles you are likely to be on your own
If you're aiming for sub-4 hours, then the ideal is to do a 1:45 first half (and if you've trained properly, that should be easily achievable), then you only have to do 2:15 in the second. Easy
Or do the first half in 1.30 which will give you even more time to do the second half
Try alternating, walking 1 mile on your feet, then 1 on your hands, just to save your expensive running shoes from wearing out
Please, please ensure that if you're running with friends that you run at least three or four abreast. It's poor race etiquette to run in single file. Also, the slower you run in this formation, the easier you'll find it towards the end of the race...
DURING THE RACE
Do NOT step on the timing mat at the start and along the course as they interfere with your watch. Either jump over them or run round them.
The course goes over the Cutty Sark, not round it.
The BBC interviewers like to be kissed by all the runners as they go past.
It's considered bad form to overtake the guy in the full diving suit.
There are over 70 pubs along the route. It's traditional and advised to have at least a half in each
Don't drink any fluids then you won't have as much weight to carry around
Any plastic bottles must be put in a recycling bin
Show all those trendy but clueless types who's boss. Ditch the ipod, run with a ghetto blaster.
Just in case you’re interviewed by the BBC, you'll want to look your best. Replace those jelly babies with Blackjacks for a winning smile
It's rude not to shake hand with everyone in the cheering crowd.
If you run out of jelly babies, chewing on a snail is a good substitute.
Remember you get three attempts, so best to do it three times....your fastest time on the day counts.
Do not step on the cracks in the pavement it’s bad luck you know
Don’t assume that just because everyone is running in a particular direction that that is the correct way to go...in ALL PROBABITY it's an elaborate hoax to ruin your day. So if you find yourself being swept along with the tide, turn around and head the other way. This applies particularly to the last mile.
Try the goo that the St Johns ambulance men are holding out, it’s tasty.
There are cigarette stations at 7, 14 and 21 miles.
You'll see lots of bands busking on the way round (especially outside pubs) so make sure you fill your pockets with loose change to dish out as you go round
Traditionally you swap shirts with the person next to you at each mile marker. To show that you have done this you need to get a balloon from the display. Anyone finishing with less than 26 balloons is a cheat
At regular intervals you will see large signs showing numbers - these will increment from 1 to 26. This represents the number of press-ups you must do before continuing.
AT THE END
Don't worry if you forget your timing chip; just tell the stewards at the end how long you think it took and they'll use that instead
When finished, it is now tradition to do a lap of honour.
Donate 10% of your sponsorship money to charity
AND FINALLY it’s London, Ontario, not London, England
The fetcheveryone guide to running the Flora London Marathon
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